Good Morning
by another wannabe author
Summary: I've woken up in some pretty strange places before. But naked next to a scantily-clad Hinata? What happened last night?  Just nonsense and crack.
1. Good Morning

I don't know what to do with this, so I guess I'll just see where things go from here, if they go from here.

-x-

I've woken up in some pretty strange places before.

Wrapped inside a giant snake.

Tied to a tree surrounded by Iwa tribesmen with pitchforks and hungry faces.

Even next to a scarcely clad Rock Lee (but that's another story).

But never, in my entire sixteen years of existing, have I woken in such a state as this.

My body was rigid and sore, especially my back. I was hunched in on myself, cushioned in what felt like a bowl-shaped stone with padding inside. A pointed object was digging into the small of my back and I tried to push it away, but it seemed to be attached to something.

I didn't feel like opening my eyes at first to see what was around me. My head thrummed inside my skull with such intensity merely fluttering my eyes brought on waves of nausea. However, I am a ninja, and ninja are required to always be alert and aware of their surroundings.

Reluctantly, I pushed my aching self up from the hard surface and slowly, cautiously, made a slight slit with on eyelid and lazily inspected my surroundings.

I was in a dank cave, relying on torches hanging from walls as a light source. That's not what surprised me, though. My headache amplified as I further examined the small area. The air smelled like tuna fish and whipped cream. What I slept on was not a stone, but in fact a mattress that had been ripped to shreds by some unknown beast and sunk into the ground. Shreds of purple and pink fabric entwined with items of clothing tattered to ribbons. Some belonged to me and others were unfamiliar.

Catching sight of them I quickly glanced down, only to become red-faced with embarrassment. I was completely nude, arousing slight panic inside as the possibilities of what may have occurred here in this cave narrowed significantly. It's unlikely I'd been in a fight naked.

Covering myself up with what I could find—which turned out to be a pillowcase filled with stranded feathers—I scuttled away from the mess until my back collided with a cave wall. It hurt to move and on impact my skin stung painfully. My muscles were cramping and only then did I notice numerous scratches, cuts and wounds all over my body. Maybe I had been in a battle.

Feathers.

Feathers everywhere.

Feathers in my hair.

Feathers down there.

Ninja weapons poked out from under strange garments, ripped clothing and clumps of animal fur. Animal fur? It was all over the place, small fibres clinging to my bare skin. A shuriken was embedded in the wall adjacent to my head.

I could hear the ocean. The walls were cool and damp, so I was probably somewhere near the sea. There were many small puddles on the floor of the small cave.

"Oink oooink!" a pig squealed, looking suspiciously like Tonton, erupting suddenly from beneath the piles of mattress and fur and feathers, galloping frantically with immense speed for a nearby exit—an exit!

I used the wall to support my fatigued body and inched towards it, keeping an eye out for any bits and pieces of clothing. I found my shirt, ripped and stained with blood by what looked like claws, which explained the lesions on my back. Cream-covered shoes—I left those. As I kicked and rummaged through the piles of debris from whatever battle took place here, I came across something soft and fleshy.

Like flesh.

I grabbed hold of someone's arm and pulled the body out from underneath the springs and fluff, expecting to find a carcass. I could identify it and determine just what happened here.

If only that had been the case.

Hinata Hyuga mewed tiredly and snuggled back into the piles of foam, eyes clamped firmly shut and rebelling against daybreak. I felt my face grow hot as my eyes soaked in her barely clothed chest, body, being, also accompanied with numerous cuts and bruises, not nearly as deep as mine.

Hinata.

Lingerie.

Headache.

Hangover?

Whipped cream.

Feathers.

Weapons.

Toys?

Shredded clothes.

Claw marks.

…One hell of a night.

I almost screamed, but stopped myself from completely being stripped of any masculinity I still held and released a strangled cry of confusion and terror.

Confusion? Because I didn't remember anything from last night and I definitely had never associated myself further than polite 'hellos' and 'goodbye's' when it came to the Hyuga Heiress.

Terror? Because her father _already_ hated me and passionately desired for me to suffer a death sentence because of my past treachery.

I mulled over my choices on what to do from here. I could:

a, Run away and hope I used protection,

b, Clean up and get rid of any evidence, or

c, Hang around and find out what the hell happened.

I never got a chance to decide, though, because something grabbed hold of my ankle and playfully drew patterns on my skin.

"Good morning, Sasuke-kun," Hinata sighed, staring straight into my eyes with ones innocent yet lustful. I shivered.

Option C it is, then.

-x-

Can't decide whether to continue or not. I'm not sure what's going to happen next.


	2. So This Is What Happened

Got back from the Australian midnight Hunger Games premier at 3am on a school night. My life is complete. Smiley face. Someone pointed out I should put in a disclaimer, so here goes:

I don't own Naruto. Apparently, instead I've had this shapeless plot bestowed upon me.

-x-

I don't get uncomfortable easily. Needless to say, even a ruthlessly trained shinobi like myself can suffer from shame if the situation is so bizarre and mortifying it induces such feelings. I'm no coward and admit this was a standout moment for shame in my life—waking up in my birthday suit with a curious Hyuga girl caressing my toes.

When I shook Hinata's hand off my ankle, pushing aside feelings of slight reluctance, she seemed to remember who she was and blushed redder than a rose. She dove underneath the remains of mattress. I turned away, scouring anxiously for something, anything, to cover myself with.

Please.

Any and all pieces of clothing seemed to be in tatters, so I settled for a slightly damp blanket laying in a splash if sunlight from a crack in the roof. I mouthed a silent thank you to Itachi, who was no doubt watching over me in this moment of sheer humiliation and secured the blanket around my waist with whitening knuckles. My fingers were numb and cold, making my hands fumble foolishly and taking longer than they should have to tie a decent knot. Things were more comfortable after that, to say the least.

I considered hurrying after Tonton, making a quick break for the exit and never looking back, but the sound of soft, broken whimpering stopped me halfway there. I ground my teeth as each delicate snivel reached my ears.

Slowly. Softening…

I heaved a sigh. The exit was _right there, _within my grasp. Unfortunately, Hinata was closer and I was tired, confused, and practically naked just like her, so I resolved to stick around and see if she could remind me exactly what the hell happened here.

Lingering awkwardly by the egress, not sure what to do with myself, I hovered towards her racking body hesitantly and loomed over the mess, unsure whether or not I should say something. What if she was crying because I hadn't left yet? What if she was angry that anything happened between us?

Oh God.

What if I _raped_ her?

That thought was quickly shoved to the back of my mind. First of all, if I had raped her she probably wouldn't have greeted me so affectionately. And secondly, even if I was drunk, I'm sure I'd keep myself under control. Plus, I couldn't have assaulted her because, well, I was very upset also. Partly because I couldn't remember anything, but that wasn't the only reason.

I know it's going to sound soft and mushy, but to be honest, I wanted my first time to be, well, special, I guess. With someone I like. More than that, with someone I love. I wanted it to be so beyond a physical thing.

Yes, yes, I know. Man card revoked.

I crouched down beside her, being careful to keep the blanket tight around my waist. It was a strange scenario, Hinata and I, clad in our skin, me trying to figure out whether I should touch her or not, comfort her. Seeing Hinata like this did something obtrusive to my heart. A woman crying is possibly the worst case a guy like me could find himself in. There's nothing you can do to help them, and if you try to do something and get it wrong, she hates you forever, or at least for a few weeks. I've had plenty of practice with Sakura's unpredictable accusations and outbursts.

But it's more than that. It's the feeling of helplessness that accompanies her sobs, because you know she's feeling something so intense it literally can't be contained inside her and she has to release it through tears. How do you take the pain away?

The moment I rested my hand on her head she stopped short, body becoming suddenly rigid and unwelcoming. I quickly returned my hand to my side, pretending I didn't just do that.

Why _did_ I do that? I'm not kind.

"S-sorry," she grumbled meekly, raising her head and gripping a blanket to her chest uncomfortably, eyes downcast and focused on an unknown item towards the back of the cramped cave. She shivered from the cold. I absently glanced around for something warm she could cover herself with.

Feathers, weapons, more feathers, Naruto's jacket, someone's ripped underwear—

I shuffled towards Naruto's jacket and raised it over my head, inspecting the garment for rips, holes, bloodstains. There was nothing, save for a small tear on the upper right arm and I threw it towards her, facing the wall so she could cover herself without feeling self-conscious or embarrassed.

What to do? Should I ask Hinata what happened? And why was Naruto's jacket there? We didn't have a threesome or anything, did we? Someone, please, give me some answers! Tell me why I'm damaged, throbbing and for some reason elated all at once?

"Sasuke-kun?" Hinata's soft voice interrupted my thoughts. "I-I… you can look, i-if… I'm done."

I turned back, but didn't approach her. Instead, I slowly shifted my weight to the nearest cave wall, which happened to be furthest from Hinata. Naruto's jacket was about ten thousand sizes too big for her small frame. It should provide a bit of warmth in the chilled cave.

Hinata looked slightly insulted by my choice to sit so far away, quickly covering her face with her hands and hugging her knees to her chest. Maybe I should have greeted her instead of recoiling from her contact. It would seem she had done something amazing for me the night before, even if I couldn't remember it. I could at least be thankful, I guess. Maybe she thought I was being rude.

I stared at my toes for a bit, not wanting to look her in the eyes and registered just how freezing I was. There was really nothing I could use to cover my arms, torso, legs or feet; no socks, no other jumpers, no anything. Whatever happened here, we'd been efficient enough to make sure everyone would be freezing their asses off.

"How's your head?" she asked suddenly. The pounding in my skull seemed to intensify as I was reminded.

"I've had worse," I replied, trying to seem tough when really all I wanted to do was sleep this away. "I guess I drank last night. How'd we get our hands on alcohol? Was it Kakashi?" Damn that joke of a Jonin.

She blinked in puzzlement. "D-Don't you remember?"

I ground my teeth in irritation. "Unfortunately, no. So you can understand my confusion in waking up amidst all this…" I gestured vaguely towards the mess, "…all _this_."

"That's not good," Hinata sighed. "Well, actually I suppose it's for the best," she mused to herself, stutter evaporating as if she'd forgotten I was there.

The blood drained from my face as the possibilities of last night swirled through my mind, contracting my stomach. "Please tell me it wasn't that bad."

Her head bopped down and rested on her knees. "W-well… there have been b-better parties."

Party. _Why_ did I go to a party? It's a known fact I avoid socialising with anyone outside my teammates at all costs. Goosebumps rose in my skin as the chill made itself known further. I ignored it, even though I could easily go through the exit into the warmth of daylight, determined to get to the bottom of my predicament. If I didn't find out what happened last night, it would most likely haunt me for the rest of my meaningless life. "Tell me what happened," I tried not to plead.

Something in her eyes sparkled, evaporating before I had a chance to analyse what emotion flickered behind it. "Do you really want t-to know?"

"If you don't mind," I almost begged.

She shuffled along the wall until she was beside me, which didn't take long, considering she had only been about fifteen feet away. "What do you remember?"

I thought for a moment. "Coming home exhausted after finishing the chunin exams," I recounted, feeling a prick of pride swell in my chest as I remembered the celebratory exchange Naruto and I had upon advancing to chunin rank like our teammates.

She looked surprised, raising a finger delicately to her lips. "So much happened, I'm not really s-sure where to begin."

I prepared myself for the worst, answering through clenched teeth, "Just start from the beginning."

-x-

The rookie (no longer) nine sat around impatiently waiting on Kakashi to finally grace them with his presence. Naruto and Sasuke had advanced to chunin level—the only reason they did so was because they couldn't officially become Sannin until they advanced one rank higher and Sakura was constantly whining about being the only official Sannin in their team so far and how boring it was to go on S-Rank mission by herself. To celebrate their victory, she organised a party to acknowledge their eventual success. She organised a meeting with all their associates so everyone knew what was going on and when, ensuring everything would run smoothly.

And Kakashi was damn _late_.

Sakura was just about to punch something so hard it shattered into millions of fist-shaped pieces when a poof of smoke caused them all to gag. A timely gust of wind swept the smoke away to reveal one silver-haired Jonin, whom greeted the circle of friends with a flippant, "Yo."

Sakura bared her teeth. "Kakashi. You should have been here an hour ago."

He raised an eyebrow at her, almost mockingly. "Why? Did something cool happen?"

Her glare intensified and a hush fell over the gathering upon sensing her killer intent. "As a matter of fact no, nothing _cool_ has happened yet, because you're late! You were supposed to make a list of things everyone needs to do so they can have their jobs distributed, remember?"

"Ah," Kakashi breathed, memories of yesterday flooding back and filling in the blanks of life that so foolishly slipped his mind on a regular basis. "Yes, on that matter. Sakura, would you get someone in trouble for something they didn't do?"

She looked confused. "Of course no—wait, why?"

"Because I technically didn't make that list of things," he answered dismissively. Her knuckles whitened in her fisted hands. "Also, the invitations you asked me to do. Yeah I didn't do them."

Taking a deep, exasperated breath, Sakura merely wheezed, "Why _not_?"

"I have a lot on my plate right now," he shrugged earnestly.

Kakashi had a hectic day before.

First, when he woke up in the evening, Kakashi didn't have any cereal and he _really_ didn't feel like going shopping or asking his neighbours if they had any. So he lit fire to some rice and hoped it would make rice bubbles. For some reason all that did was create a really hard, really bad-smelling pasty concoction that melted into his carpet. There was no way in hell he was going to clean it up so for the rest of the day he had to walk _around_ it to get to the bathroom. Note that Kakashi has a small, slightly defective bladder and frequent bathroom trips are necessary in his daily agenda.

That took a whole 0.3 seconds longer than usual and it really messed up his schedule. It pissed Kakashi off so much he glared at it for about three hours while drinking a six pack, and his vision grew blurrier and blurrier by the minute as if to spite him, which messed up his schedule even _more_ and then he was so tired after everything he'd done that day that he just collapsed into bed and passed out instantly.

"Are you serious?" Chouji groaned. "Is this guy serious?" he asked everyone else in the group, who paid no attention to him. Everyone was tired of being there and liked to think they had better things to do, even though they didn't.

"Can we just get started please?" Kiba groused from his crisscrossed position on the ground. The meeting place was where the party supposedly would be held, Training Field 03, which apparently held significant sentimental value according to Sakura, because it's where Team 7 completed the famous bell test.

Everyone cast Kiba strange looks. Mainly because he had a toilet seat attached to his torso that looked very uncomfortable and most likely was. "You've got a little something uh, right there," Ino pointed out vaguely, gesturing towards his slouched being where the plastic seat was digging into his ribs.

"Yup."

"...Why?"

Kiba clenched his eyes shut and sighed painfully. "Please don't make me say it again."

"No really what's with the toilet seat?" Kakashi asked, plopping down next to Kiba and resting an arm across his shoulder, mostly for the sake of making the other boy uncomfortable.

"Well, er, I was watching Akamaru drink out of the toilet and I was like 'hey I can do that' but I couldn't, so…" Kiba let everyone figure the rest out.

"Moving on," Sakura interjected, eyeing the toilet seat with evident distaste. "We have a party to plan."

-x-

Sorry to end it here, folks, but I have a certain length I want for each chapter and well, I wasted most of this one getting to Hinata telling the story. Oh, yes, expect a few more chapters. Not heaps, though. And I apologise for the stupidity factor of the ending, I just felt like being retarded.


	3. Surprise!

Hm. Chapter 3 … odd, this started out as a maybe two-shot.

I'm just gonna say the disclaimer from the previous chapter applies to all future counterparts, including this one, kay?

Also, this story takes place in the future, I guess, when Sasuke's back at the village and they're all officially Chunin. Not sure if rating will change.

Thanks for reviews!

-x-

Sakura checked over the details in her mind to make double sure everything would work out right. The party, the group decided, should be a surprise for no particular reason other than Naruto and Sasuke didn't know about it yet. Clandestinely Sakura was glad they didn't know, because if they did they'd want to help, and when Naruto and Sasuke help no good can come out of it. Their assistance no doubt turns to some sort of disaster. The only thing they could do successfully is a mission, and even then, together they wreak devastating havoc with their intense jutsu.

So far, the distribution of tasks amongst teammates was fairly agreeable:

Ino was cooking, because everyone said she had a gift for it. Also, whenever Sakura cooked for Naruto he ended up losing her food somehow, the idiot. Ino happened to mention something about a tarpaulin-like structure they could use for cover in case it rains. The weatherman said there'd be light showers.

Ino had initially been a candidate for music supplies because she received a flute for Christmas last year. That was dismissed when everyone learned she threw out the flute because it had holes in it.

Sai was in charge of extra snacks and Shikamaru volunteered to help him carry them, hoping that he wouldn't have to do anything else. Along with Hinata, Sai was also in charge of bringing appropriate decorations, and since neither of them knew exactly what that meant they settled on balloons and streamers.

Lee, Kiba and Neji were in charge of preparing the grounds for the party—clearing out corpses, covering bloodstains, cutting the grass, planting paper bombs in case anyone more ninja came to attempt Sasuke's assassination—the usual.

Kakashi, despite usually hating responsibility, was outraged when he learnt that he hadn't been assigned anything so Sakura quickly gave him the opportunity to bring along supplies for games—and not childish ones, she was quick to add, since Kakashi had a mindset that believed they were all still academy students.

Tenten and Shino were dismissed because Sakura kind of forgot about them, what with being forgettable people in her life and all. Also Tenten's breasts were growing at an alarming rate and this angered Sakura so much she was tempted to slap them, so it was best if Tenten stayed away from her.

Now she was waiting on Kakashi, again, as everyone set up for the party. Hinata and Sai were putting up decorations perfectly, and happened to bring along little lanterns to light up the sky when it got darker which Sakura couldn't have picked out better herself. Unfortunately, she was too pissed at Kakashi to let this make her happy.

"Damnit, where the hell is that fool?" she groused under her breath, venting her frustration by kicking a small stone into a tree and accidentally breaking the tree in half. She was tempted to grab a nearby boulder and take a massive bite out of it just for the sake of releasing tension when piercing, exaggerated wails burnt her eardrums.

She turned to see Ino sprinting towards her, tears streaming from her eyes at an alarming rate. Alarming because Sakura wasn't good at comforting people. "S-Sa-Sa-Sakura—" she took a deep breath, "it's awful!" Ino sobbed melodramatically, collapsing into her friend's reluctantly open arms and weeping into her shirt, letting it soak up her drool and boogers.

Sakura sighed. "What's wrong, Ino?"

Ino released her friend and began wiping her eyes, fixed on the ground. "Well… you know how I was supposed to cook? F-for the party?"

"Yes…"

"Um. I tried making a cake, but when I put it in the oven the candles melted and got absolutely ruined!" Sakura tried to figure out if she was being serious or not. "A-and then, I ran out of ingredients to make another one, so I—" she sniffed, "I tried to make packet cookies instead b-but the box caught fire in the oven and a fire started, and now I can't go home to make more food because I destroyed all our supplies for the next few weeks and also my parents are angry at me!" Sakura sensed another wave of sobs coming on and tried to shush her consolingly, feeling very sorry for Ino's parents and for the now food-less party.

"Um, it's okay—Chouji's bringing some snacks along, so it's okay, really Ino. Don't cry." Ino continued to heave the waterworks down Sakura's chest, making the other kunoichi uncomfortable.

"There, there…"

"I'M SO SOOOOOOOOORRY WAHAHAHA… AAAAAAAHAHA—"

"I _said_ there _there_!" Sakura snapped, slapping Ino across the face, then once in the gigantic boob for good measure. She proceeded to grouch about Ino's firm breasts and scowl at her own slowly developing ones, becoming even more pissed. "Ino, seriously it's fine," she assured the other girl, who was rubbing her sore chest. "Just go – go set up the tarpaulin."

Ino nodded emphatically and dragged her feet towards where Kiba was standing literally doing nothing with drool trailing out the corner of his mouth, asking him for help. Suddenly someone's fingers were clasped around Sakura's neck. "Don't say a word," Kakashi breathed into her ear heatedly, purposely making her scream.

Sakura tried to kick him away but he was already gone, paling and trying to regain her composure. He reappeared beside her with a bored look on his face. She growled. "Why did you _do_ that?"

Kakashi shrugged and Naruto giggled into his palm, trying to cover his amusement and Sasuke promptly elbowed him in the ribs.

Wait, back up.

"Naruto! Sasuke!" she squeaked in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

They both glanced at each other in confusion, wondering why they wouldn't be welcome. "I invited them," Kakashi answered.

Sakura ground her teeth together, adopting a look of pure disbelief. "What the hell Kakashi! It's a _surprise_ party!"

"Surprise party? For who?" Naruto asked.

"For us, obviously," Sasuke remarked monotonously. "Though it's not much of a surprise anymore."

"How was I supposed to know that?" the Jonin asked softly.

"Because I told you! Specifically! We all knew!" Sakura yelled, waving her arms about and causing the rest of the gathering to glance at the scene unfolding.

Kakashi hushed her with calm, shushing motions. "Sakura, please, you know shouting makes me nervous." She glared so hard her eyes could have melted. "I didn't hear you," he defended lamely.

"I left a post-it saying 'don't tell Naruto and Sasuke about the surprise party on Thursday' on the inside of your perverted book," she seethed, taking her tone down a notch.

"Which one?"

"The orange one, of course!"

"I finished that one," he replied.

"You were reading it yesterday!"

"…I _finished_ it yesterday."

Sakura slapped him across the face with the nearest thing she could find, which didn't do much because it was just a flimsy piece of paper filled with notes. "Kakashi. Before you left you were sure to clarify that yes, the party we planned was indeed a surprise one."

He briefly averted his gaze from Ino's ass. "…Pardon me?"

Sakura made odd grunting noises, smacking her palm across her forehead vehemently until it glowed red. "Just. Go."

"Where?" he asked like a lost child.

"I don't know – over there!" she cried, flapping her arms towards the general area of _not here_.

"…But there's nobody else over there. I'll get lonely," he rebutted sadly.

"Then go to someone else, I don't care, as long as you're away from me or I swear I will shove that tree trunk so far up your ass you'll sprout leaves from your head!"

Kakashi sighed forlornly in defeat. "Okay. Sasuke, Naruto, come on. Let's go over… _there_," he mumbled, flouncing over to Hinata and Sai for lack of better company. Nobody followed him.

"Sorry Sakura," Naruto apologised. "We can leave if you like."

Sakura's first thought was to just let them stay, but she realised they hadn't actually seen anything other than the decorations yet and clamped her mouth shut with an audible click. "Actually, how about you just go do something else until we're done? We'll send someone after you. There may still be a satisfactory surprise here."

Naruto beamed. "Okay, sounds cool! Cya later!" He gripped Sasuke's hand and tugged him along towards Konoha, the Uchiha in tow not bothering to object since Naruto would probably just laugh.

Sakura took a few calming breaths, jumping when Ino tapped her on the shoulder. "I brought the tarp," she chittered happily, previous woe evaporated, gesturing towards a flat black infrastructure with a waterproof blanket attached.

One with holes in it.

"There are holes in it," Sakura noted blankly.

"Oh yeah. I thought I should cut some in so we could tell when it stopped raining," Ino said proudly. "It was my idea."

"I could have guessed that much, thank you," Sakura frowned, trying to understand what state of mind Ino must have been in when she did this. "See, the problem with this is that since there are holes in it, the rain will go through said holes and wet the food, decorations and people huddling beneath it."

Ino's face dropped as she considered this. "Oh," she mouthed. The pair stared at the ruined tarp until Ino clapped her friend on the back. "Wait, I got this," she declared, skipping over to the fabric and grabbing both corners. She flipped it over, grinning at her friend. "See, if I turn it inside out, like this, then the holes will be gone, and – oh, oh no. No never mind." She shrugged helplessly.

Sakura held back a wave of exasperated tears.


	4. The Morning Of

I'm SICK so here's an update, yay. Apologies for the irritatingly girly beginning.

-x-

The destination was set. The night was young. Everyone was getting ready for what they anticipated to be the party of the century.

Who knows why their expectations were set so high.

"Well, Shikamaru?" Ino asked her teammate, sprawled across her bed like an animal rug that had been shot while sleeping. She raised two cocktail dresses, one red, one blue, in turn. "Which should I wear? This one? But I like this one, too."

"I actually don't care," Shikamaru muttered, pushing up from the bed, grunting and tilting his head to the side in contemplation, "but if I did care, I would pick the second one. Because, if I cared, I would have noticed how it brings out your eyes."

Ino raised an eyebrow at her dazzling reflection in all five mirrors around her. "It does, right?" she enthused, admiring herself in the second full-body mirror of her dressing room. His eyes sat transfixed on her undressing form as she wriggled out of the dress she had been wearing, stepping into the blue one, twisting it over her boobs and zipping up the side. She didn't seem to care Shikamaru was watching her change in and out of several outfits. "Yeah, but the V-neck kind of puts me off. I want my boobs to be noticed, but I don't want them ogled at like an exhibition, you know?" Ino sighed even though secretly she did, tracing a finger disdainfully around over her collarbone thoughtfully. "Plus, Sakura keeps slappin 'em and if they aren't protected she might just smack one right off."

Shikamaru nodded in understanding, chuckling at the thought of an enraged Sakura attacking Ino's chest and sending her wobbling pair of breasts flying into a tree, where hoards of soon-to-be hibernating animals would huddle for warmth in the winter. "How about the purple one? The one with the single shoulder?" he suggested idly.

"That one?" she chided him. "I wear purple every day, so if I go to the party wearing purple everybody might think it's my signature colour or something, and I simply _cannot_ have people thinking I'm not open minded about my fashion choices. I just can't decide," she whined, flopping onto the bed tiredly like a boneless salmon.

Shikamaru heaved a sigh, trying to think of an answer that would satisfy Ino. "Why don't you wear all of them?" he offered.

Ino's eyes widened in sudden revelation. "See, Shikamaru," she breathed approvingly, "this is why you're my favourite."

-x-

Everything was set up, ready to go, for the party soon to commence. Sakura lounged beneath a large tree in the clearing, content with how everything turned out. The decorations looked great; they were bright and eye-catching. She was sure the boys would be pleased. She contributed a satisfying dosage of pink by adding some extra streamers.

A droplet of water landed on her forehead and she squinted an eye to the sky, noting the ominous grey clouds rapidly approaching. Her stomach knotted nervously as she recognised the traits of a heavy downpour, but she reassured herself it wouldn't happen today. She checked the news again early that morning and the weatherman seemed very convinced there would only be light showers, and certainly they wouldn't last for long. Still, she wished they had some form of cover overhead just in case.

Now all that was left to do was wait for everyone else to arrive. It was still early, so she wouldn't have to worry about Kakashi coming for a while—

"Yo, Sakura," Kakashi greeted from her left. She flinched and screamed silently in the other direction.

Sakura composed herself, preparing her fist for collision with his balls. "Kakashi. You're early," she noted dryly.

He blinked. "I am? Huh… well, that's uncharacteristic of me, don't you think?" Sakura couldn't agree more.

A strange, short bald man hobbled to his side, panting and wiping a sweaty brow. "I assured Mister Kakashi that I'd make him on time for all future appointments as long as I am around," the hobbit-like person huffed. Sakura gawked at him for a moment before reminding herself about proper mannerisms and quickly averting her gaze to Kakashi's shoes. Kakashi didn't physically acknowledge the man's presence, instead yawning and pulling out his signature bright orange book.

"Did you bring entertainment like I asked?" Sakura queried hopefully.

Kakashi seemed to remember something. "Pardon me?"

"Did. You bring. Entertainment."

"Wha – I'm sorry, what? I – I didn't hear—"

"You didn't, did you."

"…Let's not discuss trivial matters."

Sakura rubbed her temples, glaring at the offensive book in his hands. "I thought you finished that thing," Sakura deadpanned, glaring daggers into the orange hardback cover.

"I did," he dismissed. "I've finished it lots of times. In fact, I'm re-reading the series." Sakura ground her teeth but said nothing. There was no point saying anything to this man, he'd just twist and contort the words until you felt like ripping your hair out. A few moments silence passed, save for the wheezes and huffs of the short man accompanying the Jonin. "Aren't you going to ask who this is?"

Sakura didn't reply.

"Okay I'll tell you, keep your hair on," Kakashi giggled, almost excitedly, slipping the book back into his hip-pouch and crouching down to the small man's level. "As you can see, there is a short bald man following me."

Kakashi punched said man and he waved.

Sakura glanced curiously at her sensei as he picked up a small stone, examined it with a raised headband and then threw it across the stretch of green grass with a faint grunt. "Fetch!" he yelled, just as the pebble disappeared into a series of thick bushes on the other side of the training field. "I memorised what it looks like with my sharingan, so no shenanigans. I want that exact stone in my hand _by sundown_," he ordered.

Sakura's mouth opened and closed like a chatty mime as she watched the little bald man scuffle after the rock, pausing for breath every three steps, obviously not in his top physical condition.

"Wh – I – Kakashi!" she shrieked. "_Why_?"

His visible eye arched into a smile. "It's his fault Naruto and Sasuke found out about the surprise party," he explained airily. "If it wasn't for him tripping over my leg the other day, I wouldn't have dropped and consequently misplaced the sticky note you left surreptitiously in my book."

"He tripped over your leg or you tripped him?" Sakura poker faced.

Kakashi shot her a questioning look. "Excuse me, _Sakura_, but I don't believe you were there," he admonished. "Anyway, he is my servant until I think his sentence has been lived out accordingly."

Sakura watched the short, slightly plump elder dive into the bushes, head first, and knock himself unconscious. "I would say something, but you're not going to listen anyway."

"…Hm? Sorry I wasn't listening."

"Where'd the bald guy go?" Naruto wondered aloud, appearing from the thicket behind Sakura.

"Probably killed himself," Sasuke deadpanned from his other side. "I would."

"Not everyone is a suicidal emo," Naruto rolled his eyes, flinging his arm over his friend's shoulder. Sasuke kicked him in the shin. "Pfft. Weak. That didn't hurt," Naruto said between tears.

Sakura continued to gape disbelievingly at her sensei. "Wha – bu – Kakashi!"

Kakashi briefly averted his gaze from Sakura's ass. "Yes?"

"You brought them _again_."

"Whoa!" Naruto breathed, taking in the decorations and party food set up wonderfully just a few meters away. "Cool! But um, there's nobody here. I guess everyone's still mad that you tried to kill our village Sasuke."

"Seems that way," the other teen replied uninterestedly.

Sakura started freaking out. They weren't supposed to see this yet! Using her talent of scathingly quick thinking, she grabbed the first thing that she saw and tried to cover their eyes with it.

"What the _fuck_, Sakura, put that boulder down!" Sasuke warned, jumping into a tree with a terrified Naruto. The massive rock fell to the ground, causing the earth to shake mildly.

Her frenzied eyes turned to the decorations, bare and glittering in the gloomy sunset. This was supposed to be a surprise! Once again relying on her wits, Sakura grabbed the first thing she saw and tried to cover up the banquet with it.

"What the _fucking fuck_, Sakura, put _me_ down!" Sasuke screeched, held overhead the fuming kunoichi stomping towards the food.

"Sorry," she bristled, accidentally (ahem) getting a good feel of his butt before putting him down roughly beside Naruto, who was snickering into his palm. "Look. You have to go, right now. The other guests were meant to arrive before you!"

"Yeah Sasuke go away, you're such a downer," Naruto smirked.

"She means both of us, idiot," the Uchiha replied dryly, feeling violated.

Naruto feigned offense. "As if. Sakura likes me more anyway."

Sakura opened her mouth to contradict him but Sasuke was one beat quicker. "Oh really? Clearly you've been missing her obvious flirting and checking-out over the past few _years_." Sakura blushed crimson.

"You wish!" he shrieked in reply, knowing Sasuke was right. He turned to Sakura and said, "Come on, you'd rather have _me_ stay, right?"

Sakura's mouth opened but she was quickly interrupted. "No, you want me here. I assure you, you want me here," Sasuke pressed, only bothering to argue for the sake of unsettling Naruto.

Both boys stared at her expectantly. "Well, if I had to choose…" Sakura's eyes locked onto the raven, a mischievous look occupying her face.

Naruto knew he would lose this one if he didn't act fast. "Sasuke's favourite movie is Grease and he knows every word of every song including _We Go Together_!"

Sakura's eyes nearly popped out of her head and Sasuke's jaw slacked. "Idiot! You swore! I – Naruto's dick's name is Captain Cucumber!" he yelped. "And it's ashe_._ Long story."

Naruto pressed a hand protectively against his crotch. "Oh yeah well Sasuke's greatest fear is dying in a weird position!"

Sasuke gasped. "Naruto has wet dreams every night!"

"Do not!"

"Don't lie I'm the one that has to wash the sheets because you're such a bad roommate, you never do any housework!"

"_Sasuke_ likes One Direction!"

"_Naruto_ likes Justin Bieber!"

"We both like Justin Bieber, teme!"

"My middle name is Gaylord," Kakashi said. Everyone stopped and stared at him. "Oh, sorry, I – I thought this was one of those confession things – um, never mind." He disappeared into the forest.

Sakura was about to shoo both boys back to Konoha, satisfied with the newfound blackmail material they had so willingly supplied, when a drop of water landed on her nose. Then another one. Then a few drops down her arm.

"It's raining," Naruto observed, watching the swirling grey clouds approaching them.

"So it is," Sasuke said plainly. "We should probably go get an umbrella."

"Oh, oh, I'll wear my froggy raincoat!" Naruto grinned. "And you can wear the matching kitty o—"

"Let's just go," Sasuke interjected hurriedly, ushering his friend towards the village.

Naruto turned back to the frustrated pinkette over his shoulder. "See you in a bit, Saku – um, I mean what party. I don't know anything about a party. I don't even speak English. PAR-TY? I no understand your strange communicational ways." He ran away hurriedly.

Sakura watched them go, helplessly surrounded by the now heavier rainfall, watching the decorations and food slowly get drenched and slush together in a pile of goop and mush.

-x-

It's getting lengthy (for me), and I'm sick and have a baaad headache, so… until next time.


	5. Light Sun Showers

So this is turning out to be a lot longer than a one shot… and I haven't even really started yet.

…Huh…

Okay, I think a big thanks to all my reviewers is in order because I've had nothing but awesome feedback, so thank you all! I hope this chapter is up to par.

-x-

Kakashi's dark, mysterious, enchanting eyes traced the clouds as drops of water fell faintly all around him. He marveled at nature's beauty, long silver hair tussling in the wind as he gracefully danced through the blades of green grass caressing his sides, a majestic, ethereal creature among mere humans. His past haunted him like a looming shadow; he was a burdened, lonesome soul, but he'd found inner peace, the source of his manliness. And attractiveness.

Kakashi received another love letter from an extremely gorgeous, extremely lonesome woman, desperately lost in her unsatisfying marriage and seeking release.

Sexual release, that is.

"I've been waiting for you, Kakashi-sama," the busty blonde woman purred, appearing from behind a wall of trees wearing nothing but melted chocolate. "I made you some sweets, but they melted _all over_ me." She blushed, tracing a finger across her pouting lips, down her neck and over her—

-x-

"Don't go any further," I deadpanned as Kakashi emerged from the cave's other room, a mischievous grin on his face.

"But I thought you wanted to know what happened," he said innocently, trying to sit down but being stopped by an attempted kunai stab.

I scowled and Hinata blushed all over, unable to find words that accurately described just how uncomfortable and mortified she was at the same time. "I want to know what happened to get me here. That fake smut story is completely irrelevant. Get lost."

Kakashi briefly averted his gaze from Hinata's ass. "…Pardon me?"

"_Go_. Before Nice Sasuke decides he needs a vacation," I hissed. Kakashi left, whimpering forlornly, and the sound of water splashing soon filled my ears.

"Anyway," I sighed, turning back to the Hyuga, "continue."

-x-

The weatherman predicted light sun showers.

_Light._

_Sun._

_Showers. _

What actually transpired was an endless monsoon, washing away all the decorations Sai and Hinata broke their backs setting up and completely obliterating Ino's tarp cover and the little shelter it offered. It was bucketing so heavily seeing three feet ahead was proven impossible through the thick walls of water. It also eradicated the chances to host activities or play any kind of games—the fun, non-childish kinds of course (ahem). The party mood evaporated into one of remorse and general irritation.

Everyone huddled underneath a tree, barely escaping the rain and occasionally suffering splutters on their heads, arms, noses and toes. It didn't help that the majority of the girls had gotten all dolled up for the occasion and were wearing short dresses and skirts which gave them little to no warmth. The only person not shivering was Ino, who was puffed up like a giant balloon, donned in approximately sixteen different dresses for reasons unknown. She was forced to stay in the rain because the tree's branches didn't span wide enough for her to fit beneath. She pouted through her ruined makeup and tried to clasp her hands together, but the bulging dresses made Ino's arms unable to bend.

"Well this sucks," Naruto observed, clapping two hands over his head when Sakura backhanded him.

"Hey, loser, at least they tried," Sasuke sighed, even though he was thinking the exact same thing. "You can't control the weather… although you can just watch the news—" Sasuke clapped two hands over his head when Sakura backhanded him.

"Are we just gonna sit here?" Kiba asked boredly.

"Suggestions are welcome," Sasuke replied bitterly.

The dog boy scratched his cheek stupidly. "Um… we could… take our shirts off, sew them together and form a giant sail to take cover beneath," he suggested excitedly, the prospect of numerous shirtless girls swimming through his mind.

A few people groaned, others too cold and numb to feel angry towards him. Lee passed out due to overwhelming un-youthfulness. "Do you have any non-retarded suggestions?" the Uchiha grumbled.

"I have a cave nearby," Kakashi proposed abruptly, and everyone turned to face him. He seemed shocked by this revelation along with everyone else.

"What do you mean you _have_ a cave?" Sakura asked dubiously. "Not some sort of perverted dungeon, right? And – why are you here?"

"No, no," Kakashi declined, though the idea didn't disgust him as much as it did the others. "I mean a literal cave. A limited chamber of space, typically of natural origin, in a hillside or cliff. And Naruto invited me."

"No I didn't."

Naruto was ignored while everyone chewed on the suggestion. "How limited?" Neji asked.

"Enough room for everyone," the Jonin assured the group.

Thoughtful looks were shared all around. "What are we waiting for? Let's get the hell out of this rain before we all catch hypothermia," Tenten urged, mascara dribbling down her face.

A solemn procession wended behind Kakashi as he proudly lead the way through the blinding rain, apparently not deterred by the lack of visible surroundings, ducking into a dark hole in a nearby wall of rock. Sakura was more than a little perturbed by what might possibly be lurking within. They all glanced around each other, silently wondering who would go in first after Kakashi.

"Oh, fine," Neji sighed, taking a deep breath and walking in. Tenten's breath hitched and they shared a meaningful glance, which might be translated as either '_I love you, wait for me'_ or '_I shouldn't have eaten all those burritos'_. He approached the darkness, taking one last look at his friends and nodding importantly before dissolving into the gloom. A long moment of silence passed, aside from the needles of rain attacking from all sides. Everyone listened for screams, groans, tortured cries, but nothing came.

Someone sighed in relief. "Alright. Here goes," Kiba said next, also going in, Akamaru in tow. Deciding it was worth the risk to get out of the rain, everyone else soon followed suit.

The inside was a poorly lit cramped cave, dank and smelling of rotting fungus, torches lining the walls, a king-sized mattress surrounded by candles in the center. There were human-sized metal cages hanging from the ceiling. There were magazines with cream-coloured crust on every explicit page. There were poorly hid cameras poking out from behind rocks and small collections of moss.

The group formed a defensive wall opposing the transgressing arrangement, thinking the same thing. Only one muttered the words out loud.

"_What_ is _this_?" Neji asks dumbfounded, absentmindedly taking a protective step towards Hinata when he spied chains and fetters on the walls. A skeleton dressed in lingerie was hanging from one of them.

"Oh, I'm sorry. This is my bachelor pad," Kakashi proclaimed grandly, gesturing about the flimsy cave. A confused silence hushed the gathering as Kakashi made no further explanation, only shattered by rasping pants from behind them. Everyone turned to see a short, bald, fat man holding a rock outstretched in his hand, bowing and offering up his tribute. There was a noticeable wound on his head, which oozed unhealthy amounts of blood.

"Oh, goodness!" Hinata exclaimed, catching the poor man just as he almost fainted, casting Sakura a frantic glance. "H-he needs medical attention!"

Kakashi snatched the short man from Hinata's grasp, shooting her a warning look that made her 'eep!' and dropped him on the floor again, causing many gasps to echo throughout the room. Kakashi eyed them all. "It's cool, guys, I know him," he assured evenly.

The group, huddled together in a shivering, muttering heap of pissed-off shinobi, decided they were too cold to care and simply spread themselves around the room, avoiding contact with inappropriate 'toys'.

Sasuke—shivering, angry and currently frowning upon his life—ignored Kakashi's lame objections and stripped his king-sized mattress clean of blankets, taking the warmest for himself and chucking the remaining around the room. There wasn't enough for everyone, even when they found a sort-of linen cupboard with a few more warm blankets, so a couple of people had to pair up.

Hinata watched meekly as everyone received a blanket, standing behind the crowd of desperately clawing people and trying to pluck up the courage to ask for one, also. "Um – c-can I have a – oh, uh… could someone give me – can I get – a – excuse me, um, K-Kiba…? Do I get… a blanket… too?"

She gave up with a dejected sigh and rubbed her hands together, huffing hot breath into the crevice between them. Her mother used to do that for her in the mornings when her fingers would turn purple, because Hinata was overly sensitive to the weather when she was younger. She called it toast, because every morning her mother would rub her hands warm in the middle of breakfast. The way her mother did it was tender, because mother cared whether or not Hinata was cold.

Nobody seemed to notice the dangerous shivers racking down to her bones. They were all too caught up in their own lack of warmth, she supposed, feeling slightly alone as close friends snuggled together in their blankets—Shikamaru and Chouji, Ino and Sakura, Kiba and Akamaru even. She was reminded of her own lack of a best friend.

Hinata almost considered using one of Kakashi's pillowcases to keep warm when something deliciously soft and snug landed on her shoulders, instantly rising pleasurable goosebumps on her skin. She wrapped the already warm duvet around her shoulders and wriggled off her drenched coat, admonishing herself for wearing such a revealing and cold pale blue dress. Only when she was feeling toasty again did she think to thank whoever gave the blanket to her, but when she turned, all she could see was Sasuke's receding figure.

Everyone was gathering into a circle.

"We should take our clothes off, start a fire and dry them," Kiba suggested, shuffling between Shino and Neji in the wonky circle, a thin line of blood dribbling from his nose at the prospect.

"Or we could burn them," Kakashi mused, trying to fit in next to Ino but being forcefully pushed away. He settled for a seat next to Hinata, innocent and unsuspecting.

"No," Sakura interjected sternly before any more absurd ideas came to mind, deciding she would sit beside Naruto, snuggling closer to Ino who was very warm due to the layers of dresses she was wearing. "Look. I know so far things have been rather, well, disastrous – but I am determined to make this party memorable and – dammit Kakashi keep your clothes on!"

"You said memorable," he grumbled, re-zipping his pants and sitting back down with a pout, invisible behind his mask.

Everyone was looking rather downtrodden and regretful for even coming. This couldn't be happening. Not after all the work Sakura went to in order for this to be perfect. She needed to think of something. It was her duty to save this party.

"Hey…" Tenten said suddenly, glancing around the room, "anyone seen Lee?"

-x-

Lee woke up from his unconsciousness under a large tree in the rain, finding his friends engaged in a youthful game of hide and seek.

"Maaarco? Pooolo?"

-x-

"I'm sure he's fine," Neji dismissed flippantly.

.

.

.

Yes, that's the end. Sorry if it hasn't satisfied your humour needs, but I had to wake up at 3am this morning to get on a train ride that goes for more hours than I have fingers so I can't count it up.

I think that's a decent excuse…


	6. Secret Passage

Baaack.

Thanks to my reviewers! I didn't expect such wonderful feedback. Awesome.

This chapter is pretty long compared to the others. Oops.

-x-

"So. Anyone else bored?" Kiba huffed.

Sasuke groaned after hearing Kiba say this for the fifth time with no answer. "Yes. Of your voice," he quipped angrily, shivering as he cursing his sensitivity to cold.

"You know what could help pass the time?" Kakashi said suddenly, appearing by Kiba's side and draping an arm over his shoulder casually.

"I swear Kakashi," Sasuke growled, "you mention getting naked again and I'll chidori your ass so hard your ears will shit bricks."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows tauntingly. "Now that sounds like fun," he said gleefully, turning around and shaking his backside. "Go on. Let's see what happens."

Kiba burst into laughter, rolling his eyes once he saw the repugnance Sasuke's expression displayed. "Oh, lighten up, Uchiha," he grinned, nudging Kakashi in the side. "We're only trying to make this less sucky."

"Trying and failing," Sasuke deadpanned, turning away from them and glaring at the floor at full intensity.

The dog-boy scoffed. "You think you're all that, huh pretty boy?"

Sasuke looked on jadedly. Everyone had settled into a tired silence and Kiba was interrupting the peace the Uchiha enjoyed. "Hn."

Kiba's chest swelled indignantly as if Sasuke's decidedly dull catchphrase offended him personally. "Oh, please. You think you're hot because girls like you, girls think you're attractive, girls want to date you, girls chase you around, girls swoon over you when you enter a room, girls profess their undying love—"

"That's generally what one would think, yes," Sasuke interrupted, wearied by Kiba already.

He snarled and Akamaru whined quietly. The poor mutt had almost fallen asleep when Kiba flung himself back and jabbed his elbow into his stomach. "Yeah? Well, whenever I walk past a girl, she sighs," he lied.

Naruto whispered something in Sasuke's ear, and for lack of better rebuttal, he parroted, "Yeah, with relief." A few people sniggered as Naruto covertly whispered something else. Sasuke started speaking before he thought about it. "If I had a pet with a face like yours I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards."

"Ooooooh," Kakashi echoed from behind them.

Kiba fumed. "Yeah, well – whenever I see your hairdo I feel like I should have brought some bread to feed the duckies!"

"OH OH OH OH OOOOOH!" Kakashi hollered.

"Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?"

"OOOOOOOOH!" Sakura backhanded him.

"Dude, I love that movie*," Kiba said in surprise.

"I know, right?" Sasuke replied, almost smiling, when he remembered Kiba was an annoying jerk with a loud mouth.

Naruto whispered furiously into his ear and Sasuke opened his mouth before his brain fully processed the words.

"My dick's so big—Naruto you idiot."

"I'm just trying to lighten the mood," Naruto pouted. "I know! Let's play a game."

A few people chimed into the conversation just in time to support Sasuke's reply of "…No."

"I know! Twister!" Naruto decided excitedly, jumping up in a flurry of blanket and whipping the warmth from Sasuke's form. The Uchiha angrily pulled him back down and snuggled in tighter before Naruto could even blink. Naruto may have been (way) stronger than Sasuke physically, but the Uchiha was enormously faster.

"An excellent idea," Kakashi decided. "Unfortunately, we are lacking a Twister mat."

Naruto slumped and stroked his chin thoughtfully. "How about… karaoke? Eh?"

"No," Sasuke affirmed, closing his eyes. "You should consider our current lack of supplies before conjuring up some useless game."

The blonde drew a deep breath and Neji clamped both hands over his ears, feeling a headache coming on. "It was aaaah itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini—"

"Wow, Naruto," Sasuke interjected hotly. "You could be a singer."

Naruto stopped short and beamed at his friend. "Aw, shucks. You really think so?"

"Sure," Sasuke continued. "Well, if it weren't for the fact that you're a talentless slut, but that didn't stop Kiba from becoming a ninja so hey, go ahead."

Naruto gasped, leaning away from his friend as if suddenly repulsed by his presence. "How dare you – you – you bitch!"

"Skank."

"Tart!"

"Whore."

"Hussy!"

"Hag."

Kiba and Naruto both growled at him. "You're kind of a dick," Naruto observed. "And I'm straight, so I think it's inappropriate for me to be sharing this blanket with you." He snatched it away, standing in the middle of the circle and finding that he had nowhere else to go. Someone whistled curtly from behind him and he grinned, stomping in Kiba's direction and sidling up to him, batting his eyelashes. "I'm sure Kiba wouldn't mind some extra warmth, eh, _best friend_?"

Kiba grinned at Sasuke's shocked expression, already beginning to shudder in the biting cold. "Indeed you're right, Naruto, _pal_," he laughed, and they doubled up their blankets gleefully.

"Best friend, huh," Sasuke groused. Naruto always did this when Sasuke was 'mean' to him. Then he came crawling back in tears saying he didn't really mean it and Sasuke was his only reason for living, and then he had to convince everyone that they actually weren't gay and just had a very intense bromance _all over again_. He jumped when Sakura appeared beside him.

"I'll share with you, Sasuke-kun," she cooed, waggling an eyebrow. Thankfully, before he could vomit all over, something distracted them.

"Oink," Tonton oinked.

"Holyshitpig!" Kiba exclaimed as Tonton, Tsunade's pet, appeared from under Kakashi's mattress. "Kakashi why the hell is Tonton here?"

The Jonin merely shrugged. "I'm meant to be looking after her or something."

"You were entrusted to watch over a _living_ creature?" Sakura asked dubiously.

"I know, right?" Kakashi chuckled, flipping through his book.

"I'm hungry," Chouji declared loudly, his stomach grumbling as he rummaged in his pockets for something edible. "String, mix tape, rubber band, Yu-Gi-Oh! Trading cards, teddy bea—er, I mean, _condom_ – ahem, yes… condom… always uh, running out of those." He glanced around nervously.

"Hm, what's this?" the plump boy muttered, pulling out a partly squished container of his mother's homemade chili with little hearts appearing in his eyes. Several savage heads whipped towards the scent of edible food as Chouji immediately began to devour it, refusing to share with the rest of the hungry shinobi.

"Come on man!" Tenten pleaded, having skipped dinner to save room for the food that was now swimming in puddles outside.

"Miphmine!" Chouji spat back, little pieces of capsicum spluttering across her cheek. She made a disgusted hacking noise and wiped at it furiously with the back of her hand.

"We need foooood," she groaned, falling back onto the cold rocky ground. She soon sat up again and draped a blanket over her shoulders, repeating the previous devastated motion.

"I have some tuna," Sai offered, pulling out about twenty cans from his hip-pouch. Everyone cringed.

"Why, of all things, would you bring tuna fish?" Neji asked in disbelief.

Sai blinked vacantly. "I wasn't exactly sure what 'party food' was exclusively, so I assumed everyone liked tuna as much as I do."

Everyone groaned in unison. "Why are you so _retaaaaarded_!" Kakashi cried, as if mourning a loved one's death.

"Kakashi, don't you have any food around here?" Naruto grumbled, as he, too, was beginning to feel famished. He hadn't eaten in like _two_ _hours_.

Kakashi briefly averted his gaze from Tenten's ass. "…Pardon me?"

Naruto leant away from Kiba and cupped two hands around his mouth. "Foooo-dah."

Kakashi hesitated. "I have whipped cream," he said. "You know, for sexual reasons."

The blonde considered this. "… Anything else?"

"Hmm," Kakashi hummed. He hummed again. He continued humming. He hummed some more. He started humming the Mission Impossible theme.

"Never mind," Naruto muttered, wishing he had a different sensei. His eyes searched for something entertaining to distract him from his growling stomach, and the most actively moving thing was Tonton. The pig. Delicious, succulent ham. Pig. Pig? Tonton was beginning to look suspiciously like a pork roast… "We could eat Tonton," he muttered unconsciously, mostly to himself, but others heard.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Kiba agreed, licking his lips and staring at the oblivious pig trotting around the room, overcome with rabid hunger.

"Nooo!" Sakura thundered, diving towards the animal and clutching it to her chest protectively, shooting both boys and their drooling mouths dirty looks in turn. "_Nobody_ touches the pig."

"Aaw," Kiba sighed.

"Party pooper," Naruto spat.

Kiba narrowed his eyes at her. "She just wants the pig to herself."

"Don't worry, Kiba; in due time, that pig will be ours…"

"I can hear you," Sakura deadpanned, grabbing a pillowcase while the two concocted a master plan and hid the pig inside. Unfortunately, Tonton didn't understand the threat and refused to stay still. "Stop moving you little – bastard!" Sakura slapped the pig across the face, only making it angrier. Damn. Usually slapping something solved all of Sakura's problems. If Tsunade found out that Tonton was eaten at her party, she'd be dead for sure. Or worse, _demoted_. Hm. Kiba was right. Desperate times.

When slapping didn't work, there was only one other way…

Sakura punched the pig in the face with a chakra-enhanced fist, ignoring the cracking noise her nose made and the gush of blood that followed. Sure, the pig might go into a coma afterwards, but it was for her own good, really.

"Animal cruelty," Kakashi accused from over her shoulder.

"And training helpless puppies like Pakkun to become ruthless killers and do your bidding isn't animal cruelty, hm?" Sakura quipped.

This seemed to strike home with the Jonin. "Wow. That really challenges my perspective on life," he noted. "As you were." He walked away in deep thought, only to emerge again from a completely different direction somehow.

"By the way," Kakashi voiced, appearing in the middle of the circle with the short bald man by his side again, "this man is my servant until I deem him non-guilty of forcing me to forget that this party was initially a surprise for my two favourite students, Sasuke and Naruto—"

"Hey!" Sakura snapped.

He ignored her. "That's not really relevant, but well. I just wanted to embarrass him. Teach him a lesson and all that—"

"Back to your corner, Kakashi," Sakura scolded, telling herself she didn't care he liked the boys more than her. The Jonin instead sat beside Ino, still bursting from the amounts of dresses she was wearing.

Kakashi in no way had a death wish; he simply got himself into dangerous situations often. Of course, he didn't usually realise they were dangerous until moments, minutes or hours too late, like when he reached out to grope Ino's butt because he wasn't sure if she'd feel it or not.

She'd been in the middle of a conversation with Tenten and a cozy Hinata on what kinds of guys she liked, and what formula she used to determine whether or not they were dateable.

"If you hate 'em, screw 'em. If you rate 'em, do 'em. That's my motto," she admitted contently.

"So in theory you end up sleeping with all your male acquaintances," Tenten concluded.

"Well, except for this one time when I had to go on a mission to the all-lesbian island of Titalia… I'm not definitely straight, by the wa—_aiiiii_!" Ino tried to jump up when she felt something squeeze her behind not-so-subtly, only the impossible number of dresses she was wearing made movement slightly more difficult than usual and she ended up face planting a nearby wall.

For all the stupid things Kakashi had done, none have had such an interesting turn of events as this one did, he noted, because as hoards of concerned shinobi crowded around Ino to see if she was okay, the impact from her landing caused something strange to happen behind her. A square-shaped segment of rock partially inclined as if pulled from behind slowly, unsettling a few layers of dust and grinding to a halt after a few seconds. Soon, once all ninja had their attention fixed on the small hole, a large archway opened up via two separating rectangles of rock, revealing another room on the other side.

"Coool! Secret passage!" Naruto exclaimed, forgetting his coldness and prancing into the suspicious darkness without checking for threats first, leaving Kiba's left side susceptible to cold.

"What's in there?" Neji called out after a few moments' silence.

He didn't answer right away. "Guys, you _gotta_ come see this!" Naruto giggled back, voice echoing a few times so his giggle resounded off the walls, surrounding them.

Kiba shrugged, saying something about being stuck in worse places than a secret passage and walking through without question. Tenten was next to follow, and soon everyone was gallivanting into the soul-crushing darkness.

Neji watched their receding backs, taking his time, allowing himself the pleasure of disgruntling them all by loudly declaring, "Something terrible is going to happen, I just know it." After hearing and ignoring Tenten's cry from inside of 'Neji, it appears you have a stick wedged inside of your anus', the Hyuga boy reluctantly followed them through, muttering.

Soon everyone had entered, apart from Sasuke and Hinata.

The Hyuga girl tentatively pressed her index fingers together, glancing at Sasuke from the corner of her eye. He looked unsure about something, as if expecting at any moment for everything to go to hell. "S-Sasuke-kun?"

He snapped out of some sort of daze and quirked an eyebrow at her, shrugging forward. "You going in?"

Hinata bit her lip, listening to the delighted 'oohs' and 'aaahs' of her teammates. Considering Sasuke's threat-sensing abilities to be respected, she decided to stay with him only to be tugged inside after an amused grunt on his part. There was lots of darkness as they trudged through a small tunnel, Hinata's shoulders grinding against the walls as she trotted blindly behind Sasuke, hoping he could see where he was going. She decided he couldn't when he ran into a wall, activating her Byakugan and deciding to take the lead. She halted him and tried to inch around his body, brushing up against his torso in all the wrong places.

The heated blush emanating her cheeks was almost enough to light the rest of the way.

They erupted into dazzling light, magnified by her Byakugan. She grimaced and deactivated it immediately, not believing what she saw on the other side. Sasuke's hand slipped from hers as if her touch singed him, taking his turn to gawk at their find.

Weapons. Weapons covered walls, all the way up to the ceiling, which could barely be seen. Weapons of all kinds, weapons they had never seen before. Even Kakashi's jaw slacked when he saw numerous ninja tools that he knew to have gone out of date years ago. Tenten was in her element. She touched them. She sniffed them. She wept over them. She licked them.

It was heaven on earth for Tenten. Neji watched with a look of pure disgust.

Chouji, mouth full of chili, gasped at a sword double his height, stopping short when a piece of dried capsicum was sucked into his throat. He coughed, hiccoughed, smacked the back of his head—the vegetable lodged itself into his gullet. He tapped Shikamaru on the shoulder, still marveling at the breathtaking sight and pointing madly at his neck.

Shikamaru eyed his gagging friend closely, leaning in until their noses were almost touching. "Hey, Chouji." Chubby fingers grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him mercilessly for a few seconds before returning to grasp desperately for air. "After a few more moments of silent speculation, Shikamaru's eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to tell me something…?"

Chouji's eyes bulged as he tried to communicate. "Glah—mphrg—urk—"

"Did you forget to breathe again?" Purple-faced and desperate, Chouji merely nodded. "Alright, come here big guy." Shikamaru attempted the Heimlich maneuver, unable to wrap his arms entirely around his counterpart's stomach but still trying. "One, two, three!" He applied all his might. "Okay, ready? Again. One, two, three—last one, I promise—one, two… three!" Shikamaru decided he actually gave a damn at that moment and applied a little more pressure, successfully dislodging the offending chopped vegetable from his friend's windpipe—sending it soaring through the air—and smacking Kakashi in the face.

Chouji and Shikamaru watched, wide-eyed, as the Jonin slowly lowered his book, one eye slit and bloodshot. "Nice shot, Chouji," his friend acknowledged, before promptly hauling ass to the nearest pretty-good fighter—which happened to be Neji—leaving the chubby boy stranded and an easy target.

"You stained my mask," Kakashi seethed, tasting the words and deciding that no, he did not like them, and he didn't like the taste of regurgitated chili, either. "You _stained_ my _mask_!" In a blind fury, Kakashi grabbed hold of the nearest weapon—which conveniently was a Demon Wind Shuriken, extra large—and flicked his wrist, sending it jettisoning straight towards Chouji's soft, fleshy neck.

Chouji screamed and grabbed the giant sword he'd been admiring before, discovering that is was exactly as heavy as it looked and barely blocking Kakashi's throw, rebounding into Sai's foot. Everyone fell silent, those who had been watching the unfolding battle especially so. Sai showed no sign of pain other than a faint lip tremble and a slight tremor down his spine, even as a pool of deep crimson liquid spread from beneath his ninja boot.

"That looks painful," Naruto observed, helpful as ever, deciding that he should probably help Sai and pull the damn thing out.

It was really in there, he found, because when he latched his hands around the ring in the center and tugged it didn't budge. He tried pulling it out again, but nothing happened. Ignoring the pained whimpers and squeaks from Sai, Naruto furiously began yanking at the weapon, finally using all his body weight to upheave it from the ground, accidentally sending it ricocheting into a nearby wall, loosening all the weapons contained in it and unleashing a shower of dangerous ninja arsenal.

It was raining weapons.

"Called it," Neji proclaimed.

-x-

*Anchorman, friends. As much as Will Ferrell annoys me, that movie was funny. That is no lie.

Hm… I dunno why, but this story is really hard for me to write, because I'm not writing in my usual style which is extremely detailed and slow-moving… but I don't think it suits this story…whatever.


	7. Consciousness Is Overrated

I was gonna write something pointless here but I realised that's pointless.

Um… I know I don't usually do this, but hey. Thanks everyone for the faves, reviews and alerts. I never thought this story would be so popular, since I don't usually write in this style. … Yah. Thanks.

By the way. Someone left an _Anchorman_ quote in a review. Stay classy, **Sasori-chan2694**.

**WARNING**: Somewhat gory content in this chapter.

-x-x-x-x-

"Shitshithitshitshit!" Naruto screamed, ducking for cover under a nearby table from the shower of ninja weapons overhead. Everyone else followed suit, except for Sai who had to be carried away by a thoughtful Neji. Weapons rebounded off the walls, some even exploding back into the other room through the passage. The blankets they had been using for warmth were left behind, now in tatters strewn all over the place. A Kunai slit Naruto's upper arm and a few others got caught in minor areas, everyone's clothing becoming torn.

-x-

"So that explains why Naruto's jacket is ripped," I noted, mainly to myself. Hinata glanced down at the garment draped across her shoulders and blushed slightly.

"Yes. I guess it does," she said, and by the way she bit her lip and squirmed slightly I knew my eyes lingering on the torn garment made her uncomfortable.

"Keep going."

-x-

They barely all fit beneath the table and decided to throw Kakashi's midget servant out to make room. Hinata's eyes squinted shut as he screeched and writhed in pain.

"Ugh, this is really disturbing. I feel kinda bad, really," Kakashi sighed. The small man almost burst his lungs, trying his best to avoid the weapons but quickly being held down by an oversized shuriken. "He's pretty loud, actually. Really loud. …Hey, slave, shut up! Let us avoid our deaths in peace!"

His servant, being a servant, shut up, silent tears rolling down his face as he breathed his last breaths. When it safely stopped hailing arms, a few brave souls made the first move to crowd around the bald man's mangled remains and stare at it in disgust. He was speared, cut, bludgeoned and crushed from head to toe, insides finding their way out for the first time. Naruto was reminded of a piñata.

"Gross. That's gonna smell," Kakashi noted.

The dead carcass was a total mood killer. Hinata fainted, carried over to the mattress in the other room by a cursing Neji, and Ino went pale, hurrying behind them. Most people couldn't bear to look, which Kakashi thought strange, since they were all supposed to be ninja. When Sakura started to cry, he felt himself getting a little pissed.

"Sheesh, everyone. It's a party. Lighten up." Sasuke and Shikamaru glared at him over their shoulders as they made their way out of the room, followed by everyone else. Even Tenten, who had been awestruck by the wide array of weapons minutes before, was shaking slightly. Kakashi sighed, deciding it was up to him to fix things. He gathered a few weapons in his arms and carried them out into the main room, where everyone sat silently, avoiding eye contact. "Oh come on, you guys. Weapons can still be fun. Lookie!"

Without thinking, Kakashi chucked the weapons he was holding randomly around the room, causing everyone to screech and dodge them for their lives. As soon as all the blankets were torn to pieces, a bloodcurdling scream filled his ears, akin to the battle cry of a baboon.

-x-

"And that explains why everything is ripped to shreds." I glanced around the room at the feathers and ripped fabric surrounding us, the knots in my stomach undoing slightly once I realised the mess wasn't due to overactive sex.

-x-

It was right after the Jounin embedded some kunai into a nearby wall that a fuming Sakura tackled him to the ground, arms pinned by his sides.

"THAT'S IT!" she thundered, breathing erratic and uneven, "I've had it with you! Everything you've done so far has just made this party even worse and I'm sick of it! First you lose your mind in there and cause hundreds of weapons to rain down on us, and now you've tried to cheer everyone up by repeating your actions? That's the final straw!"

Keeping Kakashi straddled safely beneath her, Sakura pulled out a scroll and quickly activated it with her chakra. A puff of smoke was swept away to reveal two slug-shaped handcuffs. "You know, if this were a different situation, I might be turned on right now," Kakashi decided to add. A slap to the face quickly shut him up as Sakura continued working. She shoved Kakashi's ankles into the mouths in turn and slowly got off him, a frenzied look on her face.

"There!" She dusted off her hands and gave him a sadistic smirk, watching as he struggled to stand up. "Don't bother. Each of those slugs weighs a metric—"

"—fuckton," Kakashi interrupted, releasing a completely undignified grunt as he struggled to his feet.

Sakura's eyebrow twitched. "Something like that, as I see you've noticed. You won't be going anywhere until daylight, mister. So get comfortable." And with that, she gathered her scroll and stormed away. Kakashi watched her go. Well, he watched her ass go.

Hinata breathed a sigh of relief knowing that Kakashi was safely restrained. The silence resumed, only to be interrupted occasionally by Sai's weak whimpers as Hinata thoughtfully bandaged his injured foot.

But Naruto hated silence.

"Hey… hey Kiba." Naruto nudged the slightly green boy beside him, a mischievous glint in his eye.

Kiba turned to face him slowly, as if suddenly his body were made of lead. "What."

"Feel like having some fun?"

He sighed, turning away and closing his eyes. "Naruto, not now. I mean… just gimme a sec to settle my stomach."

Naruto blinked, his face overcome with disappointment, leaning his back against a nearby wall. The coldness of the wall didn't bother him, and he was grateful that their blanket seemed to be the only unharmed one after Kakashi's attack. Seeing the mess around the room, Naruto thought of an idea. Maybe if they made a big pile of blanket residue in the middle of the room, they could jump into it like a mountain of autumn leaves. That would make everyone feel better, no doubt about it.

"Kiba… Kiba I have an idea," he whispered excitedly, shaking the boy's arm.

Kiba only glared at him from the corner of his eye, resting his head back. "I said not now."

"But Kiba th—"

"Not. Now." The sternness of his voice ebbed Naruto's enthusiasm back down to disappointment. The blonde boy sighed, eyes scanning the room and somehow finding their way to Sasuke. The stoic Uchiha was staring at the floor. Though he would usually be bothered by the contact, he didn't seem to mind when Hinata's hand squeezed his as she shivered and glanced around the room frantically, having finished tending to Sai's wound. Wow, she really didn't look good. It was strange seeing Sasuke do something nice—

-x-

"There is no way I held you hand," I said. That was impossible, I knew for a fact.

Hinata blushed and looked down. "W-well… I was shaking… a-and… I th-think you were j-just reaching for the b-bandage t-to wrap your own c-cut…" She gestured weakly towards my bicep, which was securely wrapped in a bandage.

I frowned in frustration, having completely missed that before. "Right…"

-x-

Naruto couldn't help but glance between Kiba and Sasuke in frustration. …_Sasuke_ would have listened to Naruto's idea.

But he was still mad at the duck-butt for calling him a hussy. That just isn't what bros do. So he folded his arms and sulked.

The room remained still and nobody spoke for a while, until a weasel appeared out of nowhere and scampered into the middle of the room, nose sifting through the air curiously. Hinata jumped when it came into view. Sakura and Ino both sighed adoringly. Tenten cooed at the fuzzy creature, clicking her tongue to call it closer when a kunai whizzed through the air, embedding itself straight into the animal's skull. A line of blood spattered across the wall behind it.

Tenten screamed as the weasel fell bonelessly to the floor, like a limp doll, lifeless, turning to face Sasuke whose hand was poised in the air after his attack. "Wh-wh—Sasuke! Did you just _kill_ that poor creature?" she screeched, utterly disgusted.

He merely lowered his hand to his side, closing his eyes and grunting in reply, attempting to block her out. Tenten had other ideas. She sprung to her feet and stomped towards him, steam practically billowing from her ears. "Don't ignore me!"

He rolled his eyes. "Hn."

"You're not getting out of this!" she fumed and stomped her foot. "That was a living thing, with hopes, and dreams, and a family and – and – body parts and stuff, and you go and – and mutilate it! Why did you mutilate that weasel?"

"A weasel killed my father," he muttered darkly, "and my mother. And 224 other members of my clan."

"Again with this clan crap! Listen we all know you had a messed up childhood but seriously, grow up you stupid jerk!"

"It was just a weasel," Sasuke answered in frustration, rising to his feet with balled fists.

"_Just_ a _weasel_?" Tenten seethed. "Oh, I see. Like you're just a human, right?"

"Yeah. And like you're just a useless ninja."

Kakashi started to laugh, too hearty to not be fake. "Hey. Hey Sasuke. Remember when you killed that weasel?"

"Not now Kakashi!" Tenten screeched, throwing a nearby kunai at him and just barely catching the sleeve of his jacket, purposely missing any vital points as a warning.

Kakashi gazed lamely over at it. "Wow. You _are_ useless," he mused, quiet enough to remain unheard while Tenten turned back to the source of her anger.

"Answer my question! Why'd you kill that poor creature?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and shrugged. "Oh, I dunno. Insanity? Anger issues? This was supposed to be my party, I can do whatever I want."

"Why would you possibly _want_ to murder a weasel?" she stormed, standing on her toes and leaning closer to his face in order to seem imposing.

That's when Naruto decided to join in. "Hey, cut the guy a break here, Tenten." The blonde grinned up at the two from his little corner of the cave, happy to just be talking to someone, regardless of the context.

"A _break_?" the kunoichi growled, turning to face him, eyes glinting with rage.

Naruto didn't even flinch under her cold gaze, grinning broader instead of cowering. "Sure. Just some good fun's what it was."

"Fun? _Fun_! Just some _slaughter_ is what it was!"

"Oh don't be a drama queen. Look at the little guy." Naruto gestured towards the carcass that was sprawled over a small stone, limp and entirely dead. "Can't say his life would have gotten much more exciting than that. All he would have done before now is nothing."

"How could you even—"

"Something useful might just come out of this," Chouji interjected, and Naruto suddenly remembered there were other people in the cave.

"What's that?" Shikamaru asked from beside him.

"Weren't we all starving just before?" As if on cue, Naruto's stomach rumbled in agreement to Chouji's question. "Right. And I'm sure nobody would object to a little fresh meat…"

Kiba, Naruto and Chouji all glanced between themselves, a similar train of thought occupying their minds. Tenten paled at the realisation that they were going to eat the weasel. "How could you? I – I can't even – wh…" At a complete loss for words, Tenten shot one last forlorn look over at the dead weasel, chewing on the tears that threatened to break loose. She had to admit, though, that she was very hungry. And even though a weasel wasn't very meaty…

"Fine," she sighed, falling to the ground. "Somebody better make a fire 'cos I sure as hell aint doin it."

All eyes flew expectantly towards Sasuke, who folded his arms. "What."

Naruto batted his eyelashes at the stoic Uchiha. "Sasuke, everyone knows you're the fire-jutsu expert here."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at him. "So?"

"So… make a fire…?"

"No."

Naruto's jaw practically collided with the stone floor. "What? Whadya mean 'no'?"

"I'm not lighting the fire," he enunciated slowly like Naruto was a child, scrunching his nose in distaste.

"And why the hell not?" Kiba chimed in, equally as angry as the blonde.

Sasuke glared at them and scoffed, as if he didn't see why he should explain himself further. However, he turned away from them for a moment before answering, "I killed it for fun, not food."

Hinata swore she was going to faint again.

"You sick _bastard_!"

Kiba was by no means known for his patience, tolerance, or sanity. So when he lunged at Sasuke without warning, using the Uchiha's current weakness to cold as an advantage in order to slam the stoic boy into the wall, nobody in particular was surprised more than they were shocked that Sasuke didn't stand up again. A moment of silence passed before Naruto started talking.

"…You… killed him…"

Sakura collapsed by his side, having a panic attack at the sight of her love laying comatose on the floor. Kiba's spine stiffened and he quickly checked Sasuke's pulse, noticing that the Uchiha's chest was rising and falling at an incredibly healthy pace. Releasing a sigh of relief, he stood to his feet and wiped his forehead. "Nah, he's fine. Just knocked him out. What a girl." He was the only one that laughed.

"…K-killed… after all the years I spent, trying to bring him back… you just went and – and killed him…"

"Uh… Naruto? He ain't dead. Check for yourself."

"Sasuke…" Naruto cried, falling to his knees and gripping his hair. "Saaaasuke! We were always so good together. Fighting, complimenting, connecting, like two birds of a feather. And I betrayed him. For that stinky dog-breath kid, no less! Now, we're both alone. Oh, heaven above! What have I _done_?" Naruto cried to himself, clutching at his cheeks, tears racking his body. "WHAT HAVE I DOOOONE?"

"Oh, Kiba. You really did it this time," Kakashi said, helpful as ever.

Kiba frowned deeply and sighed. "He's not dead! Seriously, cut it out you guys!"

"SASUKE! WHY, OH SASUKE WHY!" Naruto wailed, throwing his hands in the air and screaming to the heavens.

"Oh, Kiba. Poor, stupid Kiba…" Kakashi shook his head and turned to the side, as if it pained him to look at Sasuke's perfectly unharmed body.

"SAAAASUUUKEEEEEE!"

"Oh, Kiba!" Kakashi soon also fell to his knees, mimicking Naruto's distressed motions.

"Stop it!" Kiba demanded, growing more uneasy by the minute, suddenly questioning whether or not he was right about Sasuke being alive.

"Hush Kiba. This is important. If we stop you won't learn anything." Kakashi soon resumed his mournful look. "OH, KIBA! OH POOR, POOR, STUPID, FOOLISH KIBAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

"SASUKEEEEEEEE—"

"—AAAAAAAAA—"

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"

"—EEEEEEEEEE—"

"—AAAAAAAAA—"

"—EEEEEEEEEEoh look he's breathing." Naruto instantly dropped the mourning façade and scrambled to Sasuke's side, poking him in the cheek. Kakashi tried to follow Naruto but was held back by the weights around his ankles.

"He alright Naruto?" The jounin questioned worriedly.

"Yeah, he's fine," he answered flippantly, grinning like his old self. "Just passed out." A collective sigh of relief sounded throughout the room.

"Thank goodness," a teary Sakura whimpered, wiping at her eyes.

"Did nobody hear me saying that _just before_?" Kiba ground out.

"Oh, is that what you were saying?" Kakashi said coldly, glowering his way. "It was hard to hear over the sound of you knocking him out at his own party."

"Yeah, what's the deal with that?" Naruto spat, curling closer to his unconscious friend.

"Yeah!" Sakura parroted.

"W-well, I uh… hey! He's the one that killed a weasel! You're with me on this one, right Tenten?" Said kunoichi only shook her head at him, as if she felt sorry for him in a way for being such a bad person. "Oh come on. He's not even hurt that bad! He's probably just faking."

"If he were faking would he just lie there and let me poke his cheek like this? Everybody knows Sasuke's anal! He's… harder than cement!"

"That's what she said," Kakashi mumbled forlornly, as if whispering sweet words at a funeral.

Kiba shrunk away from the heated glares coming his way, turning his own to the unconscious Uchiha. "I-it's okay, I'll fix it, really!" He skidded on his knees next to Sasuke's limp form, getting uncomfortably close to his ear in order to try and wake him up from his unconsciousness. "Hey… wake up. Wake up so I can murder you."

Sasuke's lips only twitched. Other than that, he showed no sign of being able to hear a single thing that was being said.

"…Wanna prank him?"

-x-x-x-x-

Eh. Yeah, I know, not as funny, right? But this is a very important plot point. It was necessary.

…_Yes_ there is a plot to this story. Grr.

Also, I'm considering altering the summary of the story. I don't think it really summarises the events… like a summary is supposed to do. Any protests?


	8. Truth Or Dare

**Ahaha... well, looks like we meet again. That's right! Story not abandoned! I will try my best to update regularly, now that I'm on school holidays in Australia. No more exams! Freedom!**

**Just in case anyone is confused, whenever the writing is in first person, it's Sasuke's POV.**

-x-x-x-x-

_When we last left our heroes, they were facing quite a dilemma. Kiba accidentally, though not regretfully, knocked Sasuke unconscious, leaving him totally vulnerable to compromising situations. _

"...Wanna prank him?" Kiba suggested, looking up from his kneeling position beside the limp Sasuke and scanning the faces of his comrades for a response.

The ninja exchanged glances.

They grinned.

.

.

.

Sakura was reluctant at first. She still harboured feelings for Sasuke and the thought of betraying him just for a bit of a laugh seemed wrong, completely wrong, and she knew if she took part in this he would never return her feelings. What if he thought she was too immature for him? What if having a sense of humour automatically made you incompatible with an Uchiha?

"I say we strip him!" Naruto chortled, nudging Kakashi in the ribs with his elbow gruffly.

And then Sakura grinned too. Lecherously.

-x-

My eyes widened at the realisation that it had been my teammates who had removed my clothing.

My _teammates_.

...

"What the fuck!" I screeched, unintentionally high-pitched. I felt my cheeks beginning to burn when I thought of how they had all seen me naked. The guys weren't so worrying—except for Lee, because...because Lee is Lee and Lee is gay, I'm sure of it—but I'm not blind, okay. I know that Ino and Sakura are organisms of the fan-girl species and that they would have had saliva dribbling out the corner of their mouths at the sight of my naked ass.

Hinata blinked in surprise at my sudden outburst, blushing even harder than I was—I tried desperately to cover my flushed cheeks with my bangs, damn that pale Uchiha skin—and frowned.

"Sasuke? I would appreciate it if... you wouldn't curse—"

"I was _stripped_. By _Naruto_."

"...Sor—"

"FUCKING NARUTO."

"Sasuke!" Hinata squeaked, her face growing redder by the second.

I tried desperately to contain my fury, but it was bubbling over like water in an over-filled cauldron. Hinata seemed to notice this and, though she was hesitant, she placed a hand comfortingly on my arm, which surprisingly did help to calm me down. It actually tingled at the touch—I figured she must have been using a technique of some kind to calm the spike in my chakra, which irritated me slightly, but her warm reassuring smile made it almost impossibly to stay infuriated. Instead, I scoffed and pulled away from her, glaring at the wall opposite.

I ground my teeth as I imagined what the scene must have looked like. Sasuke Uchiha, renowned ninja feared by the five great nations, Sasuke Uchiha, the self-proclaimed strongest of the new Sannin, Sasuke Uchiha, stripped of his dignity and violated at a party.

I was going to _murder_ Naruto.

I growled and muttered obscenities under my breath. This time, Hinata didn't bother scolding me, seeming to sense that I was really bothered by the situation, and chose to scuttle closer to me. "I'm sorry," she offered meekly. "I tried to stop him, but..."

I glared at her from the corner of my eye, but I didn't say anything. Besides, it's not like it was Hinata's fault. And I refused to think it was my own fault, either. Kiba was the bastard who lunged at me out of nowhere—can I just say that him knocking me out didn't prove he was stronger than me in any way, I was just... so bored I'd rather be unconscious... or something.

That was when I thought of something, which prompted me to continue speaking with Hinata. It still didn't make sense that if he was the only one whose clothes were ripped that there were mountains of shredded fabric surrounding us. "Wait a second. I still don't understand – I mean, if everyone was trying to prank me by taking off my clothes – I'm reporting that, by the way – then... then why are you dressed like..." I looked her up and down scrutinisingly. Naruto's jacket still didn't leave much to the imagination, and her long, slender legs were still visible tucked beneath her. _Like a hooker_, I thought, but didn't really say. "...Like _that_."

I decided that if I pretended the blush on my cheeks wasn't real, it might go away.

.

.

.

Hinata couldn't look at him, suddenly blatantly aware of how ridiculously under-dressed she was to be in the presence of someone else. Her blush deepened as she realised that Sasuke must have thought they'd... well... wasn't he implying that he initially suspected they'd slept together? Her eyes widened at the thought and her heart accelerated erratically, mouth running dry.

.

.

.

"No!" she yelped, immediately covering her mouth in embarrassment. I raised a questioning eyebrow at her but didn't prompt an explanation for her sudden outburst. Strangely, that only made Hinata feel even more uncomfortable and she frantically tried to think of something to say, if only to eradicate her own feeling of awkwardness.

"Uh – I – I mean, y-you see... after Kiba knocked you o-out—"

"—Which doesn't prove that he is superior to me in any way," I interjected swiftly.

"R-right... um. We started t-to play truth or d-dare. I'm not sure if you've heard of it?"

-x-

Ten minutes after the initial adrenaline from the total bad-assery of stripping Konoha's resident badass, Sasuke, had worn off, the shinobi found themselves to be bored again. Ino and Sakura were both captivated by Sasuke's still form (they appeared to be engaged in some sort of ritual—holding hands in a small circle around his prone body and muttering incoherent chants). Naruto had oh-so generously half-covered Sasuke with a leaf he found lying around the cave. He figured the two kunoichi probably wouldn't stop staring at him until he could move again, so everyone just let them be.

Though everyone else seemed quite content with simply sitting around and doing nothing for the remainder of the evening (or at least until it stopped raining senbon-rain outside), there was one who was very antsy, unable to sit still. The constant buzzing of bugs within his body made it impossible for him to ever space out like everyone else.

Shino got tired of boredom fairly fast.

He grabbed onto Kiba's shirt collar, who protested with his fists and mouth. Everyone turned their attention to the pair as Shino dragged him into the middle of the room, soon grabbing onto Hinata's shirt also, dragging her unconscious body unceremoniously through the dirt. Naruto wouldn't have any unexplained abuse at his party, however.

"Hey! What's the big idea, Shino?" he screeched, jumping up from his comfy position on the otherwise uncomfortable ground and storming to Hinata and Kiba's rescue.

One look from Shino, however, was enough to set the new Sannin straight and trembling at the knees like a love-struck teenage girl meeting her popstar idol.

The next seven words Shino spoke were unarguable, and nobody dared question the lethally spoken request then or ever again in their life.

"I demand that we play truth or dare."

-x-

So they sat in a circle. Why, you ask? Because Shino is scary.

Shino is like that mysterious kid at your school who shows up halfway through the year and never makes any friends. You never see him outside of school, and when you try and make conversation with him he merely looks at you, and the moment you make eye contact you just know, deep down in your churning gut, that he is or will eventually become a serial killer and, from now until the day he dies or is arrested, should be avoided by anybody that values their life.

And also he has bugs living inside him; that shit's nasty.

The group if uncomplaining shinobi sat in a circle (save Sakura and Ino, who had mysteriously developed an inability to hear anyone calling their names over the sound of Sasuke's sexiness) in the middle of the room, nobody speaking a word. Once Shino was satisfied with the amount of silence in the room, he assumed control over their fear once more by speaking as head of the game. His eyes washed over every head in the small gathering, stopping when they reached the starry-eyes of the only enthusiastic player in the circle.

"Lee," he acknowledged monotonously, and said shinobi straightened, barely containing his glee. "Truth or dare."

Lee's mouth flopped open so wide and so fast that it's a mystery his jaw didn't unhinge. "What an honour it is to be called upon first! I will make my choice wisely!" His face turned beet-red in concentration. "I will choose truth – because I am a truthful man and—wait, no! But that would be the coward's way out! I choose dare!"

All of this was said within the fraction of a millisecond.

"I – uh – what?"

"DAREDAREDAREDAREDARE!"

Everyone clamped their hands over their ears in an attempt to make his shrieks less painful. Shino looked undisturbed on the outside, but inside his bugs were rattling his bones at the sound. "Fine..." He thought for a moment. "I dare you... to train."

Everyone looked at him strangely, while Lee adopted a similarly confused expression. "In this weather?" Neji asked incredulously, before Tenten nudged him excitedly with a somewhat sadistic grin on her face as Shino continued.

"Yes. But this is no ordinary training. You are required, by the laws of the dare code, to double the amount of training you do usually and complete it in half the time, outside, in the pouring rain, without the assistance of sparring partners."

Lee faltered for a moment as he let this all sink in but refused to show weakness in front of Sakura, instead forcing himself to jump to his feet and beam at his friends, giving them a thumbs-up. "Alright, I will prove myself to you all, especially you, Guy-sensei! Here I go!"

And then Lee was just gone, in his place a trail of unsettled dust leading to the only exit from the cave.

Little did everyone know that was the last time they would ever see Lee again.

Hinata, who had woken up some time ago, found herself seated next to Kiba and Shino near the focal point of the circle, and twiddling her fingers at the amount of eyes on her, she squeaked out, "U-um... don't you think... that was... a bit harsh, Shino?"

He turned to face her, slowly, without the smallest hint of any form of facial expression beneath his black-tinted glasses. "Life is harsh, honey," he replied, in a mock African-American accent.

People were creeped out, to say the least.

He looked surprised himself and coughed, as if that had been accidental, and he sat down, saying that since Lee was gone, someone else should just take a turn. When nobody moved, he jabbed a finger towards Kakashi, flanking his left, and demanded he continue the game.

The grey-haired Jounin was more than happy to oblige. "Alrightie... Hinata!" He smiled fondly at her, though it just looked like he was crinkling his eye beneath his mask, and the Hyuga girl tensed. "Truth or dare?" he asked mischievously.

"T-truth," she replied, taking the safer option. You never know with Kakashi.

A glint formed in his eye. "Who do you like?"

A shrill, high-pitched noise pierced everyone's eardrums, and in a flash, Hinata's complexion had gone from a healthy pink to a feverish tomato red, which made her look like Satan's spawn. "Gah! No! I p-pick d-dare!" she stuttered, her breathing shallow and erratic.

Just as Kakashi planned.

"Okay then, since you have to choose one or the other... I dare you... to give me a blowjob."

A collective onslaught of insults were sent his way as Hinata promptly passed out. Shino hushed everyone as he began to speak. "Kakashi. That dare is decidedly inappropriate, and as a result of making Hinata faint, you are hereby kicked out of this game."

He pouted, not that anyone could see it, and began to protest, but Shino would not have anyone back talking to him and simply _looked_ at Kakashi with that same serial-killer finesse. The Jounin was sitting back in his detention corner in a matter of seconds.

"Alright... since Kakashi and Hinata are now both unable to play, someone else should just begin," he decided, looking around expectantly at the group. Nobody wanted to be picked. "Naruto."

The blonde grinned. Perhaps he was the only person that wanted to play now. "Awesome! I pick..." he glanced around the room for the nearest female. "Tenten! Truth or dare?"

The weapons mistress thought for a moment. Hinata had picked truth, so if she picked truth, she would basically be proving the stereotype (which only existed in her mind) that girls are too sissy to pick dare, and her sole goal in life was for females to one day rule the world as the superior gender, so her choice here was obvious to her. "I pick dare," Tenten said confidently.

"I dare you... to gimme a blowjo—" A shuriken flew out of nowhere and ripped his jacket at the bicep, drawing a little bit of blood.

"You're out of the game too, Uzumaki," Shino said evenly.

Naruto shrugged, slumping towards Kakashi. "Eh, it was worth a try."

"Tenten, you may now choose the next person. Unless you would like someone to give you a dare."

Tenten thought this over but soon shook her head. "No, I'll just pick someone. Besides, I have a good one in mind." Shino nodded and she surveyed the group, wondering who would be the least likely to pick truth. "Kiba!" she decided, and said boy perked up at the mention of his name, eager to finally join in. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare, of course," he said proudly, puffing out his chest slightly. "Truth is for girls."

Tenten twitched.

"Is that so...?" she wondered sweetly, in a way that was hair-raisingly disturbing, and continued to discard the dare she had first thought of (lick the floor) for something far more interesting. "I dare you... to shave me."

"..."

"...?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"...What the hell."

He was just saying what everyone was thinking. One look at the abomination that everyone's facial expressions had become showed that they clearly disapproved of such an inane dare. "Oh, you guys are a bunch of pansies. Come on Kiba, if you're so _manly_ then this should be nothing for you."

He gulped. Yes, Kiba gulped. He's never seen much of a girl's body before—and by never seen much, I mean that he's seen faces, ankles and, on a good day, he might catch some calf skin, because his two female comrades were extremely conservative—so yeah, _touching_ one was something that he'd only dreamed about. But he couldn't back out now. This was it. He was going to touch a girl for the first time in his life... while shaving her legs. That had to be like... second base or something, right?

Tenten leant back and rolled down her stockings, beckoning to him invitingly. It was quite a suggestive position, her legs spread apart slightly. Kiba almost drooled—he'd never seen something so sexy before.

Until he looked down and saw what he was shaving.

Tenten had thick, rough, loooong leg hair, which had probably _never_ been shaved before, that reminded him of a mammoth. He gagged at the sight; it was a forest of leg hair, on a girl, the first girl he was ever going to touch. "_What_ the _hell_!" he practically screamed.

Tenten frowned, only slightly, and gave him a condescending look. "I know what you're thinking. I'm a girl, I should conform to the expectations of our society and give in to the desires of men for me to be hairless. Well, you know what? You and I are equals, Kiba. Do you shave your legs?"

He was speechless.

"No, no you don't. So why should I?" Without waiting for an answer, she reached into her weapons pouch and retrieved a kunai. "You're going to need this," she said, in that same sickly sweet, sickly creepy voice she used before, dangling it in front of his face teasingly.

He turned to everyone for help, but to his horrified surprise, they were laughing. Yes, rolling around on the floor, clutching their guts, tears pouring form their eyes, doubling over in laughter. Nobody was going to help him. Kiba gulped, turning back to the waterfalls of leg hair pouring from Tenten's legs, and, allowing his pride to take over, began to shave her.

"Ah ah!" Tenten interrupted just as the kunai scraped off the first few hairs, leaving a white bald patch in an otherwise black sea of hair, and pulled out some shaving cream. "You can't dry shave, it won't work properly." Kiba briefly wondered why she brought along shaving cream in the first place before grabbing the can out of her hand, looking at it skeptically. "Well?" Tenten prodded.

"How do you use this stuff?" Kiba wondered, and the moment he did he regretted it, because howls of laughter turned into desperate shrieks as everyone began laughing harder.

Tenten couldn't suppress a giggle of her own. "You've never used shaving cream before?"

The seventeen-year-old Kiba blushed slightly, lowering his gaze to the floor and his cheeks burned more and more with every 'ha ha ha' that reached his ears. "Okay, so I'm developing a little later than everyone else, big deal!"

This only earned him even more laughter.

Tenten, who was apparently growing tired of this already, flicked her legs around to grab his attention and gave him an expectant look. "Just pop the lid, squirt the foam onto my legs, covering them completely, and shave." She smiled, as if to comfort him. "Don't worry about them. I've never used shaving cream before, either."

What was supposed to be a comforting comment turned out to be a sickening one.

Kiba took a deep breath. Then he took a few more. Then, once he was sure he was about to pass out as little black dots filled his vision, he took off the lid on the shaving cream and squirted a generous amount on Tenten's left leg. But it just stayed there. No matter how long he looked at it, the shaving cream didn't move. Sighing, a resigned sigh, one that you may hear from a tired old man at a retirement home, he realised he would have to use his hand to rub the shaving cream in. He was going to have to directly touch that... that... shield of _hair_.

Tenten twirled her ankle absently, as if him shaving her was a regular occurrence (which it clearly _wasn't_) and didn't even flinch when he started to rub the shaving cream around, covering her leg entirely. The white and black mingled together in a way that Kiba was sure would haunt his nightmares until the day he died.

He prayed that would be soon.

Once the shaving cream finally covered her leg, he grasped the kunai in silent prayer, and started to shave.

"Be gentle," Tenten reminded him, with a casual smile.

-x-

I shuddered, for about the fifteenth time, since Hinata had begun recalling this event. "Look, uh..." Okay, so yes, I, Sasuke Uchiha, have a weak stomach when it comes to that stuff. "Hinata? Could you maybe... skip the descriptive details on just how hairy and disgusting Tenten is, thanks?"

"Oh. Sorry. I thought you would be able to handle it." This was said in an offhand way, as if she hadn't meant to offend me or tease me at all. I bristled at that, admittedly, and went against every disgusted bone in my body as I said the next six words.

"Shut up and finish the story."

Hinata blinked at my irritated tone, but instead of blushing or shrinking away like she usually did, Hinata simply looked confused. "I don't understand... do you want me to shut up, or do you want me to tell you the rest?"

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, watching her confused expression turn into one of amusement. She let out a small giggle, one that tickled my stomach in a completely unwelcome way, and decided to growl at her to try and cover up the smile that was unwillingly twitching the corner of my mouth. "Don't ask stupid questions," I demanded, shutting up her brief happiness completely.

"Sorry," she near whispered, and I felt bad for a moment, before remembering that the only reason I was actually here, with Hinata, was to find out what happened the night before. "W-well, after Kiba finished – uh – cleaning her up—"

-x-

Somehow, there were feminine, _human_ legs underneath all that hair. Kiba was sweating now—more than once he'd come across a knot in the hair, which had to be sawed off using the kunai (her hairs were much stronger than they looked, especially when knotted together). He fell onto his knees, letting the foam-covered kunai clatter to the ground beside him, his breath shaky and his body wracking with shudders.

"I-it's done... I'm done..." He muttered this over and over again to himself, seemingly unaware of the sound of clothes shuffling in front of him.

"Not quite yet, Kiba," Tenten interrupted him, letting her panties fall by her ankles. Kiba's eyes grew to the size of dish plates as he stared up at her in disbelief, disgust and horror all mixed into one.

"There's still one are in need of... attendance."

And that, my dear children, is the story of how Kiba became gay.

-x-x-x-x-

**Okay. Okay yes that was weird, and disgusting, and gah. I have no idea what possessed me to write such a thing.**

**I promise to upload another chapter within two weeks—you have my word.**

***This has been edited! I hope there are no more errors. If so, please let me know, I hate having my work look rushed and careless. **


	9. Temporary Author's Note

**Author's Note**

**Yes, the dreaded author's note. I just want everyone to know that this story has not been abandoned – recently my life has been really hectic, I won't go into details, but honestly there was just NO TIME to write and I've scarcely had internet access. I realise my 'two weeks' promise is a bit overdue. Cough.**

**The next chaper is coming soon! Count on it. But please be patient, sorry!**

**Here's a snippet from the next chapter so you don't get antsy thinking I've just abandoned ya:**

Sasuke jumped to his feet, finger in the air as he grandly proclaimed, "I farted!"

...

.

.

.

**Okay no, here's the real snippet.**

**It's in the making. :)**

-x-

-x-x-x-x-

"Hold on a second." Hinata blinked at me owlishly as I rested my chin in my hand. "I don't understand. How is it possible for you to be telling me what happened if you fainted so many times?"

Hinata opened her mouth as if to answer, then froze that way for a moment before stroking her chin thoughtfully. "Actually, I'm not sure..."

"I can answer that." Hinata and I both jumped, heads snapping to the right as Kakashi emerged from underneath a large, lumpy pile of shredded fabrics and feathers.

"Kakashi-sensei?" we both gasped in unison, eyes widening in disbelief.

"Yo," he waved, nose buried deep in on of his perverted books.

"Wha – have you been here this entire time?" I asked incredulously.

Kakashi hummed for a moment, before shrugging bashfully. "Yup. Just been lyin' here."

Hinata and I both turned to face each other slowly, knowing grins on our faces as we shared a slightly exasperated moment while shrugging hopelessly, as if to say, 'oh Kakashi, you little scamp'. The Jounin merely scratched the back of his head and laughed.

"Alright you," I said warmly, before blinking at the very uncharacteristic tone in my voice and shaking my head back to an emotionless mask. "Hn. You said you could answer my question."

"Ah, that's right." Kakashi winked at us. "You see, Hinata, last night's events were just so darn exciting it didn't feel right that you would miss out, what with you passing out every so often, so I took it upon myself to whisper everything that was happening in your ear." Hinata looked positively horrified. "I suppose it was sort of like I was commentating for a blind person."

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y..." Hinata stammered, twitching and sounding akin to a broken record.

She continued to stare at him as if he were a mutated crossbred abomination while I seriously considered leaving Konoha again to find a better sensei. Hinata's eyebrow then twitched in a manner that indicated that this particular eyebrow-twitch was in fact a horrendous curse in some foreign language composed entirely of varying eyebrow twitches that only Hinata knew.

Glancing between the two, I rubbed my temples in exasperation. "Why the hell did you do that instead of seeing if she was okay, or even waking her up, Kakashi?"

The man merely leered at me. "I had my reasons," he muttered darkly. "Also, Hinata – do you use cinnamon body lotion?"

"Wha... yes, but—"

"I knew it!" he proclaimed, slamming his fist into the dirt in triumph.

"I don't even," I sighed, running my hands through my hair in frustration. "Kakashi. Get the fuck out." The grey-haired man stumbled closer to us and plopped down beside the me, crossing his legs childishly. "I mean it," I ground out dangerously, each word laced with venom. Kakashi didn't bat an eyelid.

"I'll be good," he assured us, though I didn't feel the least bit assured, because he was grinning in such an obscure way the very same grin would not look out of place on a serial killer that had just launched a stick of dynamite into a classroom full of children who were also made of dynamite in a classroom that was coincidentally insulated with dynamite founded on top of an old dynamite-production plant. "Please – continue."

We gave Hinata enough time to wake from her shocked stupor to continue the story.

-x-

**Thanks,**

**another wannabe author**


	10. Rage

Ahem. *Clears throat*

I would like to make a formal apology for the prolonged wait. Here it is – the ninth chapter!

Thanks for everyone who waited patiently... and not so patiently. Hope this won't disappoint!

-x-x-x-x-

"Hold on a second." Hinata blinked at me owlishly as I rested my chin in my hand. "I don't understand. How is it possible for you to be telling me what happened if you fainted so many times?"

Hinata opened her mouth as if to answer, then froze that way for a moment before stroking her chin thoughtfully. "Actually, I'm not sure..."

"I can answer that." Hinata and I both jumped, heads snapping to the right as Kakashi emerged from underneath a large, lumpy pile of shredded fabrics and feathers.

"Kakashi-sensei?" we both gasped in unison, eyes widening in disbelief.

"Yo," he waved, nose buried deep in on of his perverted books.

"Wha – have you been here this entire time?" I asked incredulously.

Kakashi hummed for a moment, before shrugging bashfully. "Yup. Just been lyin' here."

Hinata and I both turned to face each other slowly, knowing grins on our faces as we shared a slightly exasperated look while shrugging hopelessly, as if to say, 'oh Kakashi, you little scamp'. The Jounin merely scratched the back of his head and laughed.

"Alright you," I said warmly, before blinking at the very uncharacteristic tone in my voice and shaking my head back to an emotionless mask. "Hn. You said you could answer my question."

"Ah, that's right." Kakashi winked at us. "You see, Hinata, last night's events were just so darn exciting it didn't feel right that you would miss out, what with you passing out every so often, so I took it upon myself to whisper everything that was happening in your ear." Hinata looked positively horrified. "I suppose it was sort of like I was commentating for a blind person."

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y..." Hinata stammered, twitching and sounding akin to a broken record.

She continued to stare at him as if he were a mutated crossbred abomination while I seriously considered leaving Konoha again to find a better sensei. Hinata's eyebrow then twitched in a manner that indicated that this particular eyebrow-twitch was in fact a horrendous curse in some foreign language composed entirely of varying eyebrow twitches that only Hinata knew.

Glancing between the two, I rubbed my temples in exasperation. "Why the hell did you do that instead of seeing if she was okay, or even waking her up, Kakashi?"

The man merely leered at me. "I had my reasons," he muttered darkly. "Also, Hinata – do you use cinnamon body lotion?"

"Wha... yes, but—"

"I knew it!" he proclaimed, slamming his fist into the dirt in triumph.

"I don't even," I sighed, running my hands through my hair in frustration. "Kakashi. Get the fuck out." The grey-haired man stumbled closer to us and plopped down beside me, crossing his legs childishly. "I mean it," I ground out dangerously, each word laced with venom. Kakashi didn't bat an eyelid.

"I'll be good," he assured us, though I didn't feel the least bit assured, because he was grinning in such an obscure way the very same grin would not look out of place on a serial killer that had just launched a stick of dynamite into a classroom full of children who were also made of dynamite in a building that was coincidentally insulated with dynamite founded on top of an old dynamite-production plant. "Please – continue."

We gave Hinata enough time to wake from her shocked stupor to continue the story.

-x-

Tenten took her place beside Neji, who scooted away from her subtly as she cleared her throat. "Alright!" She glanced around the circle, picking out the person who tried their best not to meet her gaze, "Choji! Truth or dare?"

Choji stiffened at his name being called, gulping down his fear. Not wanting to seem like the coward he was in front of Ino and Shikamaru, his courageously brazen self declared, "D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d... d-d-d-da-da-da-da..."

"He appears to be broken," Tenten said loudly. "I surmise that a good smack over the head will fix him up!" She gestured towards Neji, who scuttled over to the stuttering ninja and politely backhanded him so hard his face connected with the floor. There was a meaty crunch, and Choji slowly sat back up, blood pouring profusely from his nose but looking serene.

"Thank you, Neji," he said softly, nodding appreciatively at his fellow ninja. "I choose dare."

Tenten's face clouded over darkly. Neji thought, in that moment, that if she had a moustache she'd look strikingly similar to Hitler. "Excellent," she purred. Choji's stomach sank.

She reached into her thigh holster and, apparently well prepared at all times for a Truth or Dare standoff, unraveled her clenched fist to reveal a humble red balloon. Choji's heart prickled with hope that she might dare him to eat it and leave it at that. But then she began blowing it, and while she blew it her eyes bored into his dangerously, a sly smirk on her lips. If one's imagination was at full capacity, much like Choji's, they might also be able to compare the red balloon he was blowing to a palpitating animal heart, Tenten's teeth clenched into it ravenously.

Once the balloon was full of air, she passed it off to the nearest person. "Tie it," she commanded Kakashi absently, her eyes never leaving Choji's.

The man complied, taking his time to get to know the balloon before he handled it so roughly, apologised profusely as he watched his most recent friend's tail get mangled obscenely and his compassion reached out for the poor plastic toy. He handed it off to Tenten, sniveling pathetically, who merely grinned a little wider.

"Put this in your pants," she commanded seriously. Choji merely blinked. "Once it is in there, you must pop this balloon using only pelvic thrusts."

Kiba snorted and Shikamaru couldn't help himself, he cracked a sly grin at his friend's expense. Choji numbly took the balloon, staring at it for a long moment, feeling nothing but intense hatred. "I hate you balloon," he ground out angrily. "Now watch over my penis."

He shuffled to his feet, extending his waistband as he slowly, flinchingly, lowered the balloon into his nether regions. He pretended he didn't squeal a little for his dignity's sake, but he wasn't fooling anyone, and the damage had been done. Once the balloon was in place, heedless of the profound bulge in the front of his trousers that made Naruto howl with laughter, he stood uselessly for a good three seconds.

"Uh... how do I do this?" he asked reasonably.

"Pelvic thrusts," Tenten repeated hotly, hands on hips. "Use whatever else you must around the room, just don't use your hands."

Choji solemnly scanned his surroundings, finding nothing but jagged rocks and other marring surfaces that would be most uncomfortable to rub his junk against.

"What's there to hump?" he asked shamelessly.

"You could use Sakura's face," Kakashi replied immediately, ignoring the girls' indignant cry, "she's used to it by now."

A hand appeared and slapped him across the face, unmistakably Sakura's but the girl hadn't moved from Sasuke's naked form, her eyes soaking in the delicious sight like an ocean-sized sponge lowered into the ocean-sized ocean. How? Nobody knows, and they are forever haunted by the knowledge that Sakura gains abilities far beyond the limits of a ninja when faced with a naked Sasuke. Kakashi rubbed his cheek consolingly as Choji sighed and decided the wall would have to do.

He inched up against it, ignoring the mirthful laughter that his comrades spouted at his expense, petulantly crossing his arms as he stood on his toes and allowed his hips to attach to the wall like magnets. Then, with one mighty deep breath, he thrust.

A muffled boom sounded as Choji's pants expanded in a billow of smoke, pouring out the legs and from the waistband. His eyes went wide and he screamed, doubling over in pain and clutching his crotch, helplessly flailing about like a slinky hanging from a helicopter. The laughter immediately halted and everyone save for Kakashi, Sasuke, Ino and Sakura scrambled to his side worriedly, trying to soothe his screams and asking what happened. A small, fleshy ball rolled out from his trouser leg and nobody tried to guess what it was.

"What did you _do, Tenten_?" Neji shouted incredulously as Shikamaru cradled the wailing ninja in his arms. Tenten shook her head, mouth hanging open wordlessly, unable to speak. The balloon flopped from Chouji's pants and Hinata detected the remnants of a paperbomb. "What the hell! You put explosives in there?"

Tenten shook her head furiously, tousling her perfect buns, gesturing wildly as if to retell the story then pausing as she looked over at Kakashi, who was grinning flagrantly. "K-Kakashi!" she stammered in disbelief. "Did you slip a _paperbomb_ in the balloon?"

"...No," he denied lamely, between strangled laughter. Nobody could spare the energy to reprimand him as Chouji continued to scream bloody murder, blanched and in a cold sweat. Hinata saw no choice but to force him unconscious, quieting him with medical ninjutsu.

-x-

I winced empathetically for Chouji, hand hovering over my own crotch. A small, fleshy ball to my right caught my eye, and I forced myself not to focus on it.

"We ended the game, then," Hinata added quietly.

-x-

Once Chouji had settled down, Sasuke's naked body had lost its novelty and Kakashi had been sufficiently reproached for de-balling a fellow ninja, a strange crackling sound filled the air.

"What's that noise?" Tenten wondered aloud. Neji shuffled around, trying to figure out the same thing.

"It sounds familiar somehow," Kiba added.

"It's really loud, too," Naruto remarked, his ears picking up.

"Sorry, that's me," Kakashi said blithely, struggling against the weights holding him down to reach for his pocket. "Just my radio."

Sakura stiffened. "You mean... _communication_ radio?" she asked slowly.

Everyone took a few moments to process this before jumping to their feet in outrage. "WHAT?" they screamed in unison. Kakashi mused that they would work well together as a choir group.

"Radio. All Jounin have them," he replied, confused as to why everyone was closing in on him with a daunting menacing aura.

"You mean to tell us," Shikamaru growled – that was a very difficult feat for Shikamaru to accomplish, mind you, for he typically only had two manners of speaking, being 'drawled' or just plain old 'said' – "that you've had a radio this whole time, and you haven't tried to contact the village or alert someone of our current location or situation?"

Kakashi crinkled his nose thoughtfully. "I never thought of using a radio that way."

Sakura snapped and lifted him off the ground from his collar, smashing him against the wall with enough force to rock the entire cavern. "What other reason is there to use a radio!" she screeched ferociously.

He shrugged, as if he wasn't one bone-snapping away from his death. "Lots of reasons... you know, sexual reasons."

Sakura smashed him against the wall again, harder this time, and he gurgled slightly. "_Where. Is. It_," she ground out gravely.

Kakashi noted that Sakura needed a tic-tac, coughing as he replied, "It's in my pocket."

"_Hand it over_," she seethed. "NOW!"

Kakashi wriggled under her grasp, sighing pathetically. "Alas, it is impossible." He shook his shackled hands for emphasis as he continued, "My hands are tied."

Sakura seemed torn between removing the weights and beating him a few more times, when an enlightened look crossed her face. "Well, what pocket is it in?"

"Don't do it, Sakura, it's a trap!" Ino warned her.

"Front left," he answered genially, his visible eye curving upwards in a smile. "Be careful down there," he teased.

Sakura bit at his face, missing it by a hairsbreadth and reluctantly sliding her hand into the directed pocket. She fished around for a moment before huffing, "Whereabouts is it?"

Kakashi's eye fluttered closed. "Yeah... right there, Sakura... mh..."

Sakura's eyebrows furrow for a moment as she brushed against something inexplicably hard. "What is thi—FUCK KAKASHI YOU PERVERT!" She grabbed onto the radio and stormed away angrily, Ino hot on her heels and chanting 'I told you so, didn't I? What did I tell you', a light blush on her cheeks.

Kakashi slumped against the wall, his legs splayed open wide in a completely undignified manner. "We should do this more often," he called after her softly, briefly averting his gaze from Sakura's ass to wink at a snorting Kiba.

Sakura pressed a few buttons on the small radio, fiddling with the volume and talking into it. The object remained unresponsive. "Looks like the batteries died," Ino muttered.

Sakura twitched. Everyone held their breath. When Sakura twitched it was as if that twitch signaled the detonation of TNT set up all around the walls of Sakura's inner 'dam of wrath'. She got to her feet, trembling with silent rage, breathing heavily.

"...Sakura?" Ino ventured after a long silence. "Are you oka—"

"_ROAAAAAR_!" Sakura picked Ino up by the boobs and twirled her around overhead like a shit loaded diaper, releasing at the pivotal moment required to have her ricochet off of Kakashi's face, which began turning an interesting shade of purple as he shrieked in agony, and plummet face-first into the ground, where she made a person-shaped divot. Sakura stomped around, her arms above her with clawed fingers and roaring like Godzilla.

"She's gone berserk!" Neji shouted, rushing out of her way as she stomped towards him, ripping a large boulder from the floor and chomping into it, disregarding the many teeth of hers that fluttered to the floor.

"Somebody d-do something!" Hinata cried in terror. Sai, apparently incapable of sensing dramatic tension, was standing aimlessly in her path until Sakura chest-bumped him so hard a patch of ninja ink squirted in his crotch and a black stain dampened around it.

Naruto puffed out his chest, hero instincts kicking in. "Don't worry, everyone! Naruto Uzumaki, future Hokage here to save the day!" He turned to a red-eyed Sakura, nostrils flaring and foot scuffing the dirt like a fuming bull, and gulped.

"SAKURA! SMAAAAASH!" Naruto prayed that Jiraiya was watching over him as he bolted head-on towards the rampaging Sakura, summoning a shadow clone and twirling a Rasengan in his hands.

Sakura sneezed and the Rasengan blew away in the gust of wind that followed like feathers billowing through the sky. Naruto coughed, looked around at the flat looks he received, rubbed his neck coyly and began trembling in terror along with the other shinobi.

Shikamaru sighed at the amount of noise stirring him from his nap, cracking an eye at a monstrously screeching pink glump of fuzz, his sleep-blurred eyes blinking in incomprehension as it approached him rapidly.

"Run Shikamaru!" Choji shouted from the other side of the cave. Shikamaru blinked away the last of the sleep and fully realised what was going on, jumping out of the way just in time to avoid being hit by Sakura's headbutt. Instead, she rammed straight into the wall, shaking the entire cavern and unsettling rocks from the ceiling. For a moment it seemed like the walls would cave in and they'd be trapped forever, but just as Sakura began stumbling around dazedly while releasing a low hum, the walls stopped shaking and she collapsed to the floor, unconscious.

The cowering ninjas slowly surrounded her, unsure what to do from here. Kiba kicked Sakura in the side experimentally and nothing happened. "She's out cold," he determined, and everyone let out a breath of relief.

They were used to Sakura's spontaneous and entirely irrational spouts of rage, so nobody was particularly shaken by now, but still, they were pissed off because now the wall had a very large and very worrying crack in it.

"Alright everyone, we're going to have to be especially careful not to disturb the walls around us now," Shikamaru told them sagely, scrutinising the fissure with a jaundiced eye. "One more blow and this baby's coming down."

"Ngh," Sakura stirred, sitting upright on the floor and rubbing her head. "What... happened?"

Ino crouched down beside her, checking for any major injuries. She found nothing but a large lump on the back of the girl's head, deciding that it wouldn't need immediate medical attention. "You blacked out again," she explained, but Sakura wasn't listening.

Her hand gripped Ino's shoulder and she stared ahead blankly, eyes wide, panting with a crazed-dog look in her eye. Ino snapped her fingers in front of her face and called out to her. "Sakura? Sakura. Hellooo, anyone in there?"

Sakura blinked, shook her head slowly and clutched her heart, breathing so heavily Ino was actually a little worried she'd missed something. "What's wrong?" Hinata asked, scooting closer to the girls with a roll of bandages in her hand.

Sakura turned to her mechanically. "I... I'm not sure," she began, spooked, "but I think I just had a... a _vision_," she finished dramatically.

"W-What?"

"...What," Ino parroted flatly, "the hell."

Sakura leant on her knees, glancing around wildly. "I saw... I saw... me, in the future... and you were there, and you too!" She pointed at Ino and Hinata in turn, whose faces were completely blank. "_Destruction_," she continued dangerously. "And... and _oh_ – two, beautiful, busty breasts... and they're mine... all _mine_!" Her hands travelled to her chest and they lingered there, tracing small circles. Ino and Hinata both backed away a bit.

"I think you hit your head a bit too hard," Ino deadpanned.

"...Oh yes... huge... Sasuke finds them irresistible... make Ino's look like pebbles..."

Ino smacked her over the head and stormed back to the unmoving Sasuke, deciding she might just stay there the rest of the night. Hinata sighed and coaxed Sakura into leaning against the wall while she tended to the lump on her head timidly, trying her best not to listen to her 'future' because deep down she thought maybe Sakura might be right. She was very superstitious.

"CHOJI!" the girl exploded suddenly. Choji choked on some more of his mother's chili, unsure whether or not he should approach the beckoning, and probably psychotic, girl.

"Yeah?" he asked hesitantly.

"I see – I see you, and... oh my!" She clapped her hands over her cheeks in pure horror. "Death. I see _death_. An untimely and unseemly demise... a potato masher, eight-inch fingernails and a straw are somehow involved!" she predicted surely.

Choji gave Hinata a questioning look but the girl merely shook her head in dismissal.

Meanwhile, Kakashi was fuming. Not only was his face swelling up like a ripened blueberry, but there was a massively unfinished crack in the wall, and it pissed him off. Kakashi's own internal 'dam of wrath' bubbled dangerously and soon he couldn't control himself. Chidori sparked in his right hand, breaking away from the weights holding him back and bursting forth in a surge of chakra energy, punting straight through the wall, then chidori-ing the small bits of rock that fell all around him frantically until the whole wall was just a small pile of dust on the ground. Water from outside began pouring in and surrounding the ninja on all sides, who were forced to abandon their now drenched blankets and flatten themselves against the only portion of dry wall left in the cave.

3, 2, 1...

"WHAT THE FUCK KAKASHI!" everyone screamed in unison. Kakashi mused that everyone was speaking in unison recently and wondered if there was something horribly wrong with him for not joining in on instinct.

He merely shrugged and Neji snapped, holding Kakashi against the wall by his collar. Kakashi was overcome with a strange sense of déjà vu. "What the _hell_ did you do that for?" he seethed.

Kakashi pushed the little Hyuga of him and dusted down his vest, muttering about rude children. "Well, if the wall just didn't break then it would be a very anticlimactic plot movement," he stated in all seriousness.

Everyone began yelling at once, this time not in unison, which relieved Kakashi's conscience a little bit. He tried to shush them but was largely unsuccessful.

"Are you _insane_?"

"Now the rain is coming _inside_!"

"We're gonna _freeze_ to death!"

"Does _anybody_ have a breath mint!"

"!"

"Alright, alright!" Naruto shouted over everyone. His voice was loud enough to defeat the other people's loudness, and with no small bit of pride he continued just as loud, "I got it covered, okay!"

Everyone stood back as Naruto pulled a massive scroll from his back and lay it at his feet, subsequently blurring his hands in a flurry of handsigns after biting his thumb and smashing his hand on the ground. He was encased in a cloud of smoke just as everyone heard a cry of "Summoning Jutsu!"

White curls of smoke slowly dissipated and in its place stood a very large, very red, very imposing toad sitting in the rain. Well, to be precise, the ninja were only privy to a nice view of the toad's ass, but it was pretty easy to tell from all the warts, the webbed feat and lack of a tail. Naruto slid down its back from outside, and soon the Toad backed up into the hole until it was blocking all rain from outside.

"Ta da!" Naruto exclaimed, bowing at the gathering of ninja. The others couldn't deny they were pretty thankful for Naruto then, applauding him good-naturedly before Shino opened his big mouth and rained on their parade.

"How am I supposed to sleep with a toad's rear end pressed against my face?" he deadpanned. All rejoicing halted as the others, too, fully realised just how uncomfortable this would make them all.

"Oh my," Hinata sighed, blushing and turning away from the large backside.

"Have no fear," someone cried halfheartedly from behind them. The crowd parted to reveal Kakashi, who was finally able to move again, standing with his hands on his hips grandly. "Kakashi is here."

"Oh no you don't," Ino groused, stomping towards the man angrily and jabbing a finger in his chest. "You've done enough damage for now! Just sit down and don't talk, or _else_." Sakura nodded her concurrence from behind, cracking her knuckles aggressively.

"Maa," the man flapped, waving them off flippantly, "I was just going to put a genjutsu over the toad so nobody would feel uncomfortable."

"Oh really?"

"That's actually a decent suggestion," Sai noted from the sidelines.

Kakashi nodded, and without waiting for any further say so, his hands whirred in a series of handsigns. The toad's image began to wiggle from side to side, fading over into what was identical to the wall he had destroyed not ten minutes before.

"Whoa!" Kiba exclaimed in astonishment, and even Ino and Sakura couldn't deny that was impressive. "Kakashi sensei, how did you manage to do that?" he gushed.

"I'm just that kiss ass," he proclaimed grandly. Sai gave him a strange look. "Wha – I mean _kick_ ass." He paused. "Speaking of ass—"

"Stop, Kakashi," Sakura deadpanned. "_Come_ _on_."

"Is that an invitation?" the man leered.

Sakura sighed tiredly, picking up a nearby stone and stabbing Kakashi in the foot with it. "Dirty old man. Why're you so obsessed with sex anyway?"

His lecherous grin slowly faded to a solemn expression, looking off to the right distantly. "It's all because of this damn mask," he sighed. "Do you know how hard it is to get laid when you look like an ashamed burn victim?" His voice was thick and the girls felt a little bad. Then he pulled out the big guns. He sobbed pathetically, nose running and panting like a racehorse, and Hinata, Ino and Sakura melted empathetically.

"Aw, don't cry," Ino cooed, bringing him into her chest and making shushing noises. Sakura occupied herself with stroking his hair and apologising over and over while Hinata wiped away his tears and muttered sweet nothings into his ear. Kakashi winked at the gaping men all around them, completely shocked. Tenten snorted.

"Women," she sniffed.

"Is everyone else not hearing the utter stupidity of this right now?" Neji asked helplessly. "Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm the only sane person here."

"You'll get used to it," Shikamaru sighed from beside him.

-x-

Da da daaa~

Done. Finally. Yay!

Thanks for reading!


	11. A New Dawn

**Why hello... it's been a while. Hee... sorry for the wait. I won't bore you with the details of my personal life that prohibited an update. **

**Oh, but I will bore you with this: I got the 'Someday' perfume, and I'm so excited I just have to ooze my fangirl juices all over you guys. **

**I am something of a... **_**Belieber**_**, you see. (My Authoress-senses indicate that revealing the extent of my unfathomable infatuation with his melodic voice will result in a less than desirable outcome.)**

**Also, I just want to apologise for not replying to reviews, it's just... well, to be honest I'm too lazy. This is probably the final chapter, too. **

**Anyway, yes. **

-x-

"It's about three years from now," Sakura informed her. Ino twirled a lock of hair between her fingers dispassionately and examined her nails. The only person remotely interested in Sakura's most recent apparition was Sakura herself, pupils dilated, the green in her eyes replaced by two inkblots on a white canvas. "Sasuke and I... is that a... ring? Yes, we're married! Oh, you should see the venue – it's all fairy lights and we're in a delightful forest clearing, rimmed with looming trees and lofty mountain peaks... And... our honeymoon, oh it's just wonderful. We're on a completely private island – isn't that romantic, Ino? And—"

Ino looked up after about thirty seconds of silence, seeing Sakura's face ghostly pale and sweating. "Whoa, hey, what's the matter?" she asked worrisomely, feeling Sakura's forehead for any signs of a temperature.

She retracted her hands when Sakura blinked hard, shaking her head free of cobwebs and staring at Ino with wide, fearful eyes.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" she shrieked, fisting her hands through her hair.

Ino gently reached up and pulled her hands free, holding them in place in Sakura's lap. "What is it? Sakura, speak to me!"

And she did. "He impregnated me – after only a few days, Ino! With a blood-lusting, hell-spawned demonic baby that grows at three times a regular human's speed and almost kills me! Also Sasuke sparkles and has bad hair." Ino looked at her strangely and she added, "You know, badder than usual."

"That's the sickest and least appealing love story I've ever been unfortunate enough to hear," she informed.

"I'm inclined to agree with you," Sakura said.

And they thanked the heavens that it wasn't so.

-x-

A few minutes later and all the deathly-tired shinobi had fallen into much needed sleep. Hinata found herself slipping in and out of consciousness throughout the night, roused by Naruto's snoring, the Toad's farting and Kakashi's suspicious grunting noises. At some point in the night she found herself stirred by rustling that was uncomfortably close. Cracking open an eye, she first saw Shikamaru, whose head lolled to the side and mouth hung open with a flowing river of drool gushing from the corner. As her blurry eyes caught sight of a dark figure, she stifled a scream, recognising the spiky grey hair and the creepy old man smile.

"K-Kakashi?" she stammered groggily, voice laced with sleep. "M'what you doing?"

"Oh, nothing," he smiled. Maybe that smile should have warned her. Maybe she should have looked into it more. But his pretty red eye was swirling and she found herself completely unable to think for herself.

Look at the pretty commas swirling.

They're nice.

Droopy eyes... relaxing... it's kinda cold allathasuddennnn...

_Oh? Did I fall asleep?_

-x-

"And then..." Hinata's cheeks tickled pink. "And then we were here," she finished. I leant back on my heels for a moment, contemplating. That's it? That's the extent of our evening? I suppose I should feel relieved. Somehow, though, I'm a little disappointed.

"Oh," I managed. Kakashi was grinning lithely beneath his mask and I gave him a strange look. "Is... that... really what happened?"

"W-well, that's all I remember," Hinata said, drawing my attention away from Kakashi's madness.

"Because that sounds like a load of whoreshit to me."

"Wh-who-who-re wh-what?" she fumbled.

"I mean, are you positive that certain aspects of this recollections weren't exaggerated? Or possibly influenced by drugs?"

She blushed. "Well I'm not entirely sure. Our group was later informed that Kakashi had planted a genjutsu over this cave before we entered that hindered one's ability mental capacity... n-nobody thinks straight while in here..." She gave the Jounin an accusing look.

My eyes widened a little. "That explains a lot. I suppose it would be wise to evacuate as soon as possible then."

Hinata nodded in agreement and Kakashi let out another stifled laugh.

"So, then, where are all the others?" I asked.

Hinata shrugged and Kakashi giggled a bit. We both turned to look at his red-faced smile, a shade worried as to why he was so deviously chipper. "They're outside, of course!" he burst happily.

"Outside?" He nodded vigorously. Hinata blinked. "But if the rain stopped why didn't they all go home?"

Kakashi jumped to his feet then, holding out a hand each to us, his visible eye curved skyward gleefully. "See for yourself!"

-x-

Headbanging – Naruto and Kiba were headbanging. It didn't even make sense. They were dancing to this song blaring on a portable radio that kept going "NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA – I'M 100% NIGGA", which was possibly the most irritating sound to ever grind against Sasuke's eardrums, and Ino was doing this weirdly seductive belly dance/twerk _thing _and had shed her numerous dresses for a very revealing string bikini. Sakura was wading through a shallow portion of the massive lake that seemed to have materialised on the training field overnight, a hand shading her eyes from the sun, scanning the forest. She and Neji appeared to be looking for something, and were also inexplicably dressed in swimwear. Tenten, Choji and Sai were tanning on the rim of the body of water, and Sai was turning an interesting shade of lobster. Shikamaru dozed happily on a blow-up beach chair, drifting into the middle of the small lake, sunshades over his eyes.

It was then that Hinata self-consciously attempted to cover her bareness with her arms. Sasuke was feeling quite the opposite – in fact, it was as if he were overdressed in his rags, as he caught sight of Shino in a monstrous abomination of ill-fitting speedos. Last night's massive Toad was lounging atop a nearby boulder, smoking a pipe and taking curious puffs.

"What is this?" Sasuke asked incredulously.

"After all the rain last night, it accumulated in the shallow valley of the training grounds," Kakashi explained breezily, stripping right in front of them – _right in front of their faces_ – down to his underpants. "It flooded enough to create a makeshift beachside paradise. Pretty neat, huh?"

Sasuke could count the number of times he'd seen the sea on one hand, namely the few times he'd toured, protected and terrorised he Land of Waves, and he knew that this simple flooding had nothing on the majesty of the real, unpredictable, ocean. This lake wasn't even that big – probably the size of a corner store. Reasonably deep. Yet Hinata was completely awed. He wondered if she'd ever seen something like this before.

Naruto started waving and yelling at them, jogging over, his arms flailing as he attempted to wade through the water as fast as possible. Sasuke cringed when he saw that Shino wasn't the only one here incapable of modesty or courteous coverage.

"Hinata, Sasuke! We were wondering where you two had got to!" The moment he was within range, Naruto shook his hair around like a wild dog and droplets of his recycled water splashed all across Sasuke's face. He glared.

"You left us in the cave, Naruto. We were freezing and terrified for our virginity."

"You guys coming for a swim?" he continued, completely ignoring Hinata's blush and Sasuke's deadpan accusation.

"...No," Sasuke replied. Hinata fidgeted strangely but obviously concurred. Probably because there was a bulbous, obscure bulge in the front of Naruto's speedos and she couldn't stop staring at it no matter how hard she tried.

"Come on, Sasukeh!"

"No."

"Aw, why not?"

"Because."

"Don't be such a wanker! C'mon and have some fun in the sun!"

"No, Naruto."

Naruto folded his arms in a huff. "What's your problem, bastard?"

"I'm on my period," he replied evenly.

Naruto immediately forgot his irritation and cocked his head to the side, regarding Sasuke for a moment before he shrugged and flounced back to Kiba, who was engaged in a rather lascivious dance session with Ino that involved lots of bumping and grinding. He was also, terrifyingly, dressed in a pair of speedos, which read 'Bite Me' across the crotch.

"Well, when you stop being such a wanker, feel free to join us!" Naruto called over his shoulder. Sasuke ground his teeth but said nothing, taking one look at their crude dancing and deciding he would most definitely not be joining them, ever.

-x-

"LEEEE!"

For what may have been the billionth time that afternoon, Sakura called out Lee's name, hoping against hope that he was alright. He never came home that night and everyone was quite worried. Well, they had been for about five minutes, but then everyone got bored of being worried and went to do lots of beachy things (aside from Sakura and Neji, of course, as they had sticks up their asses by principle).

Neji sighed and deactivated his Byakugan. "I'm taking a brief break," he told her, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later."

Sakura nodded and watched him go sit down by himself on a secluded patch of grass, turning back to the forest determinedly and continuing on. She was so absorbed in looking for clues, though anything useful would no doubt have been washed away by the rain, that she barely detected Naruto's presence until he came right up behind her and sneezed all down the back of her neck. Needless to say, she was not pleased, so he immediately blamed it on Kakashi. She believed him and opened several delightful cans of ass that proceeded to be whooped until they were no longer discernible as asses.

Once she calmed down and Kakashi was satisfyingly whooped, Neji reappeared with a glass of cool lemonade in hand and offered it to her, stretching as he reactivated his Byakugan and got back to business.

"Thanks," she sighed, collapsing onto the ground beneath a tree and huddling in the shade alongside him. Naruto emerged from his hiding place and plopped down beside her.

"Still can't find him?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I hope he's okay. We really could have used his help last night, too." She sighed again, placing her glass of lemonade down and leaning her head against the trunk, eyes closed.

Neji snorted. "Please. Sakura, when you're around, his knees go all wobbly and he's as useless as a window on a toilet cubicle."

"I can think of a few uses," Naruto murmured cheekily.

"How many?" Kakashi asked. Sakura barely registered through her exasperated haze that he was completely unharmed and blithely engaged in his literature.

Naruto thought for a moment. "Oh. Nah just one."

"Peeping?"

"Yeah."

"Then there's two," Kakashi said.

"Oh, you're right." Naruto grinned, and then the two grinned at each other, lecherously, as if telepathically sharing a perverted joke.

"Would you two kindly shut the hell up?" Neji interjected fiercely. "Sakura, I found something!"

In the middle of a very large, undignified gulp of lemonade, Sakura heaved the liquid through her nose and started to hiccough very unattractively, slapping a hand against her chest as if it would help clear things up. Spluttering and muttering curses, she quickly made her way towards Neji and asked what he found.

"It's a letter," he surmised. A grungy piece of paper was indeed stabbed into a tree with a kunai, written out in Lee's messy scrawl. "Lee's name is signed on the bottom."

Sakura snatched the note from the tree and began to read aloud fervently, Naruto, Kakashi and Neji crowding around her eagerly.

"My youthful compatriots," she began gravely. "Alas, it is painstakingly un-youthful for me to confess, I hath failed ye. I was unable to fulfill my youthful dare – doubling my usual training without the assistance of my most youthful teammate and friend, Neji Hyuga—"

"That's me!" Neji stage whispered. The others glared at him and he coughed.

Sakura continued. "Thus, it is imperative that I commit... _seppuku_!?" Sakura began heatedly scanning the remains of the letter, tears welling in her eyes.

"What? What does it say!" Naruto snatched the letter from her trembling hands and continued to read it aloud boisterously.

"Before I lay in my eternally youthful rest, I would like to give my parting words to all my dearest friends.

"Neji: you have a feminine-looking butt. I think I may have told you this one time, but it is worth repeating.

"Tenten: I once had a wet dream about you. It involved lots of youthful bestiality and staring at small children. I only tell you this because Guy-sensei told me once that when you have a dream about someone, they're thinking about you also. I thought that was interesting.

"Guy-sensei: I HAVE FAILED YOU GUY-SENSEI! I AM SO SORRY FOR DISAPPOINTING YOU! (There was a bit of drool and a smudged booger here. Sakura presumed he'd burst into tears and mashed his face against the paper.) PLEASE DO NOT FORGET ME – ALWAYS REMEMBER ME FOR MY YOUTHFUL FIRE AND NOT FOR THIS DISGRACEFUL WANK STAIN I HATH LEFT UPON THE SHEETS OF LIFE!

"Gaara: Fine, I did steal your eyebrows – you must understand, in order for me to be as mighty as Guy-sensei, it was essential that our eyebrows be identical. That is why I needed the extra... and you just looked so cure and approachable with your teddy on that swing, I thought, 'Hey, he looks like an agreeable guy.' Note that I am not the best judge of character.

"Naruto: Go to my apartment and look under my bed. Alone.

"And, finally, Sakura: My youthful sugar lump, as I stand horizontal to the walls of my bedroom and perpendicular to the ground beneath my feet, my heart palpitates at the very thought of your green, green eyes like the grass and the trees, and your pink, pink hair like fairy floss and... vaginas like your clothes. For me, each day began with thinking of you and ended with dreaming of you. I loved you more than a socket loves plugs. Your Beautiful Green Beast, Rock Lee."

The four looked at each other, then to the letter. They came to a mutual decision:

"Burn it."

-x-

Hinata shuffled uncomfortably and Sasuke only then remembered she was there. Her index fingers poked together, she looked down at the ground, muttering incomprehensibly.

"Huh?"

Her eyes shot up to meet his, a massive blush filling up her entire face. She looked like a tomato. Oh, fuck, fucktastic, now Sasuke was hungry. "U-um..."

"Spit it out."

Her blush deepened but she seemed determined to say what she needed to say. "W-what you said... before... ab-bout v-va-va-va-vaaaaaaah..."

He raised an eyebrow. "Vah-wah?"

"Viiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirgiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnn—v-v-v-virginity!" She was practically bursting by the end of her words, lightheaded, little black spots filling her vision.

Sasuke blinked. "Oh, about being a virgin?" Hinata couldn't believe how easily he said it. She nodded dumbly. He looked out at the water indifferently. "What about it?"

"O-oh... um..."

"What?"

"I just... I thought that..."

"You thought I'd had sex before?"

Hinata couldn't bring herself to admit or deny that was what she was asking and focused mainly on keeping conscious. Well, actually, her mind had been traveling more along the lengths of she'd thought someone as handsome as him would have done... it. You know... _it_? Sasuke went silent after that and she thought she may have offended him, so she said, "M-me too."

He didn't seem surprised at all. "I'm pretty sure all of us are virgins," he said matter-of-factly.

"I'm not," Kakashi said plainly, appearing from the shadows.

"Don't lie Kakashi," he scolded.

Kakashi's one visible eye drooped sadly and he scuffled away to join the rest of the Konoha shinobi.

"I g-guess you're right..." she trailed off. Hinata folded in on herself a little, and out of the corner of his eye, Sasuke noted that Hinata was still wearing Naruto's ripped jacket.

"I still don't understand why you're dressed like that," Sasuke said plainly. Hinata squeaked and covered herself as best she could.

With a creeping blush, she replied, "N-neither do I..."

"I can answer that."

"Kakashi, for God's sake, would you stop materializing from behind bushes. It's infinitely creepy."

"The reason," he continued, not batting an eye at Sasuke's glare, "is that I dressed you that way." Hinata blanched. "This was all a part of my master plan!"

"L-last night... when you were hovering over m-me..." She began to shiver uncontrollably. "You used your Sharingan to put me under so you could t-take advantage of m-me!"

"No, no," he flapped, "let me finish. You see, I planned for you two to wake up this morning half-naked and confused from the beginning. The cave intercepts people's ability to perceive the world around them – a neat genjutsu I learned back in the day – rendering individuals who enter under the influence of a drug-like jutsu. As if they're high."

"...And?" Sasuke prodded.

Kakashi's visible eye curved upwards. "That's it. I totally got you guys!"

Sasuke and Hinata stared at Kakashi as if he were the most repulsive form of inhuman excrement they'd ever had the misfortune of beholding. "That is the lamest and most ridiculously under thought prank ever," Sasuke remarked. "Go away, Kakashi. I mean it."

"That doesn't even make sense," Hinata murmured.

Kakashi was giggling uncontrollably by then and skipped away happily. Hinata lowered her head and started to whimper, shoulders shuddering – Sasuke noted that the jacket was slipping from her shoulders, dipping past her collarbone, towards... well. He suddenly felt strange, staring at Hinata. She trembled and brought the jacket in closer, zipping it up just a little more, covering up just a tiny bit more skin.

This displeased him. Yes, Sasuke is a teenage boy – yes, raging hormones indeed rule his nether regions – and yes, this party didn't have to be a total disaster. "You cold?" he asked sheepishly.

"A little," she admitted.

He inched closer to her. Then, being the socially stunted and emotionally retarded Uchiha that Sasuke is, he leant in front of her face and told her point-blank, "I am going to kiss you."

Hinata's cheeks, which had faded back to their natural porcelain colour, instantly flared up again. "W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w—" Her eyes widened as he leant even closer, so much so that she started going cross-eyed just trying to keep him in sight. A large part of her objected to this, and she wanted very much to push him away, but she didn't. She didn't know why she didn't, and when his lips pressed against hers softly, fleetingly, she just kind of stood there like a limp doll.

"I am also going to kiss you."

Sasuke reared back and glared. "Kakashi go away."

"Maa..."

"Away!"

The Jounin scuffled off, taking his tissues and lotion with him.

-x-

The door creaked open, loud against the silence – his feet forwarded cautiously, afraid to wake the dead – his eyes scanned his surroundings frantically, afraid of being caught, but he didn't know why – his ears perked at the slightest sounds.

_Go to my apartment and look under my bed. Alone._

Naruto stopped at the foot of Lee's bed. He didn't know why, but he was nervous. What had Lee left behind? Why would he give it to Naruto? Most prominently – why did his room smell like ass? Using his arm to mask the ass-like odour, he trudged forth and landed on his hands and knees, peering under the bed. It looked normal. There was nothing.

Nothing?

He wasn't looking hard enough.

Naruto moved in closer until his entire head was under the bed. What is that smell? Not ass, different – fresh, clean, clear, white. This smell was foreign, yet he _knew_ it was snow.

Closer – rushing, against his ears – closer – brushing, against his cheeks – _closer – _crunching, beneath his hands and knees.

Closer, closer...

Is that light?

"_OOF_!"

Naruto tasted the ground before he saw it. It was, indeed, coated in a layer of snow, but it wasn't deep enough to stop him from getting a mouthful of earthworms. Spluttering and cursing blindly, he pushed himself up, only to loose his balance and stumble once again as he took in his surroundings.

Trees sprinkled with snow like icing sugar, taller than the ones he'd seen and grew up with in Konoha, a different breed entirely. There wasn't much but trees and snow and rocks and mountains, no signs of civilisation – and wait, hadn't he been under Lee's bed just a second ago?

A faint buzzing caught his attention and he turned to see a lone streetlamp, accumulating bugs with its faint glow. He stared at it for a moment, so absorbed in the absurdity of the situation he didn't sense the faun until it came up and greeted him pleasantly.

"Hello, welcome to Narnia. My name is Mr Tu—"

"Wh – HOLY FLYING MONKEY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK _IS_ THAT!" Naruto took one look at the crossbreed abomination and punted it so hard in the face its nose splintered back into its skull. He'd only ever heard of something this freaky when Sasuke told him about the sorts of experiments that Orochimaru conducted and – "HOLY SHIT IT'S TWITCHING! IT'S _TWITCHING_!" – A Rasengan swirled in the palm of his hand and he let it completely demolish the faun's twitching torso, and its arms, and its legs, and its face – "OH DEAR GOD IT HAS FUCKING PURPLE BLOOD _BLARGH_!" – he projectile vomited onto the faun's splattered and gushing meat fragments then stumbled to his feet, clutching his stomach and staring, wide-eyed, at what lay before him.

"Lee you _sick son of a bitch_."

-x-

_The_,

Fucking,

End.

-x-

**Okay yeah. Wow. That was... um. **

**The final chapter! Yaaay... or awww... I guess it depends on your outlook on life. Half-empty half-full shit. Yes, well, I wanted to thank all my lovely reviewers and followers of this story! You're the only reason it continued! Thanks for sticking with me and my erratic, unpredictable updating! :)**


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